(I hate that things I copy and paste from boards turn out like this---formatting problems. Also, this was written to a woman who is receiving info third hand from family members, and these were my thoughts on that and my experiences with it).
I decided for my self not to do the "triangulation thing" anymore.If someone called me on my dad's behalf, much to his dismay, I picked up the phone and called him directly. If someone had something to say from the monster (like my, er dad), I ended the conversation with him and called her. I got it right from the arses, er horses, mouth so to speak. It cleared up a lot of things for me. It made m erealize that it is all a game to them.They want to look good in front of other people. Their actions towards me are obviously not good. So they need to say things, not in my pressence, to make them look good. They are not meant for me,they are meant for their audience.
I have heard the "other" things they say too, which does not put them in a positive light to anyone.It's been a big eye opener to me re: who my family really is. It's a bit different with others here, in that my relationships were never close or positive with my "parents". Or the monster----understatement of the year. So there is no positive "thing" to cleave to, and when you combine that with their disrespect and clearly not respecting certain boundaries in particular, it is a no brainer for me NOW. This wasn't so before in my life, where I didn't realize how this "molding" of myself in what I thought were these isolated situations, changed me in ways that I did not want(shy, untrusting, low self esteem as far as my place i nmy "family").Truthfully, even messages from the arses, er horses, mouth are ignored by me (not that they have come recently) at this point as I read between those lines.
My cousin said how sad he felt my father was in that the legacy he was leaving behind was an only child that hated him. I said, yes it's the legacy he regrets (and which he made for himself by the way) NOT the loss of a daughter. It's the outward appearance and how that makes HIM look ONLY. The fact that it's so blatantly obvious and indefensible that his and the monster's treatment of me is something you would give your worst foe not a "loved one". I can't make that right for them, they did it, and it's theirs. I will not feel guilty either for being born or finally drawing my line in the sand. Sorry, not going to happen for you. These are the messages I get in the triangle. I just tell mycousin, I know these people, and I know they are not for me. Feel free and enjoy their company and hospitality, but don't think you will convince ME that they are good people.
Anyway, the triangulation subject hit close to home, clearly LOL.As for what Ann should do? There has been excellent advice to look inward to what you want. How do you want to handle it? What do you think are the right circumstances for you? No rush.