Thursday, September 06, 2007

Screwed Up Messages

My husband was shocked to hear the word "vulva" on a show I was watching the other day. I thought to myself, my we are so repressed in some ways. I mean, come on, what is the big deal. Course it is a tricky subject, and I guess not all parents deal with it well. Perhaps in our society there is no good way to deal with it? But it got me thinking about my own weird mixed messages growing up in my household.

The education started for me when I was five or so. The book and detailed explanations of what would happen to me every month once I became a teenager. Better than no advanced warning, but I was pretty horrified, and remember thinking then, I am never going to have kids, so why does my body need to do this (ie either being violated LOL or having my monthly friend). It was also explained that the Donors do this by the E Donor. Great. So that started explaining the occaisional noises next door, as my room was always destined to be right next to theirs.

(Now I should note, the S Donor, nor anyone from that way has visited this blog since, uh, the tampon/feminine napkin post, which was sort of the point of that post LOL)

From early on, I remember arguments of where the E Donor might throw away her, er, feminine products. From before I hit puberty, and somehow I still thought "what is the big deal" although some girls get to feel dirty for this. I know I have not been the only one to have to deal with a repressed asshole for an S donor. Um, why not have seperate closeable baskets in the bathroom if you truly can't take it. Jeez. Grow the F up grownups. If I was the E Donor, I would have been taping tampons up around the house like decorations until he shut the F up. Actually, no, I wouldn't have been married to him in the first place.

The E Donor was the more liberal one, I guess sexually and in other ways. I think the non racist or sexist ideas mainly came from her, and in no way from the S Donor. I was shocked to later learn what a racist sexist he was, but I think that is because we never really had a real conversation. We both pissed each other off so much, that we never did dig beneath the skin to the true human. If we had, I most likely would have been estranged at age 19, and that might have been better for me. Maybe not though, as I might have more doubts than I do now about the type of person he is. The mistake might be made to now seek him out, and go through a whole bunch of shit that I really don't need right now. Life's hard and short enough. You know what I mean? In no way do either of them contribute anything positive.

So back to mixed messages, the S Donor kept an extensive collection of Playboys in the bathroom (the only bathroom by the way) which makes me only now realize what else he was probably doing in there other than "reading" them. Ick. But very early on, I knew they were there and used to read them. I got to see the Caligula episode well before was appropriate, as well as one issue where a grown yet "height challenged" woman dressed up like a little girl in a nightmare sequence. Might have been Penthouse too, they were both in there.

Yet sex was inherently bad, and nothing I should do according to the S Donor. Meanwhile the E Donor had the Hite (sp?) reports out, and encouraged the reading of such stuff. So bad, good? Am I supposed to enjoy it later? Mainly I thought, yeah it was something to look forward to. The S Donor did not have that much pull with me, as, especially when I hit puberty, he was a complete dickhead. I am convinced now that I was paying for their bad relationship for a long time, and he was taking it out on me.

Not to mention the "sex" arguments that I got to hear in depth through the house. Yippee, surely every kids dream. I think what I learned from that though, is the core relationship is really important or NOTHING will be good. If you don't like the person, if you shouldn't be with the person, no matter what you do or how hard you try, nothing in the relationship is ever going to be good. Unfortunately, they are both such superficial people, I am not sure either of them will ever understand that or how it affects other relationships.

I am happy for who I am, I also know how these things have negatively affected me. That does not mean I am "blaming" my parents per say, but trying to understand what additional work that I need to do and where things stem from. I am repressed in some things, much like my husband sometimes . Luckily, we talk about these things, and it's no big deal and we can laugh and tease each other. I guess it's normally for all of us to be repressed to an exent, you think? Just growing up through the 80s, will make you feel a little less sexually "free" to experiment.

So do we/I need to get unrepressed? Am I really unrepressed already? Then with age, your drive goes kaploey sometimes. Age and health actually. Depressing, but true. So I am probably pretty much normal in both my mixed messages and feelings during this point in my life. You think? I dunno, just thoughts that rolled around after my husbands dismay at hearing the word "vulva". (and now I will undoubtedly get a whole bunch of weird people reading this post. every now and then, look up the key words that people use to find your post, and you may be a bit dismayed). So regarding my note, perhaps I am repressed?

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