Escapism

People who are hurt over something escape from those circumstances in varying ways. The obvious are alcohol or drugs. Other things also are used to split ourselves off from the reality of a situation that we don't realize or we can't escape (ie children in an abusive family).

For instance, I have always used movies. Specifically horror movies as they were the one thing my father and I were interested in and couldn't possibly fight over . I don't know how that happened as everything I seemed to think or do was wrong. That all changed when the horror movies were on. I was even allowed to stay up to 1 AM to watch the creature double features on channel 56 (you know before cable).

I still use these today to escape into when the going gets rough. Also, I use writing. I always have. I used to travel with a little notebook that I would write stuff in, including poetry when I was a girl. I, horrified, lost it in college, and was so mortified by what someone might read or learn about me there, that I stopped carrying a notebook with me . Now I post it on the web, is that progress or not???? LOL

I have also used humor or by "projecting" a better mood than I may actually be feeling. This is always a great game at dysfunctional family events. And I hate, hate, hate being fake. You know the only alternative to this would be walking up to the bitch and slapping her in the face, so since I was talking to my father then, it seemed the only way to go. It's nice not to have to do that. I used to fake it a lot in college too, and even now there are not too many people I let in on the sadness over my situation. More so now in my family know, as I actually talk about it and don't hide it anymore.

Been a Doggy Zoo Here

Whew, got out of the habit of writing for a couple days there. Sunday, I was just lazy, let's face it. Plus my husband was leaving for a couple of days, so I just wanted to hang out. It's been ripe with doggy clients here, and activity.

Then Monday, I was working on business stuff, and getting ready for what turned out to be an unusually tough lesson. Client's have a dog that is becoming a real danger, and they hadn't thought so. Really quite scary, and hopefully they are up to following the work. I don't have a real "feel good" feeling from them though. I had to finish up all my contract and liability paper work for them to sign, before I could go as well.

So any way, I let life get me a little behind, and am going to save my topic for today, to be tomorrow's instead . You know, so I have something to talk about.

What is Functional?

What is functional? Functional is not perfect, I don't think. Functional is simply something, I feel, that in the larger picture works. I describe my family a lot as dysfunctional, but it had some working parts. For instance, the relationship between me and my grandmother, for me at least, was functional. I wish I had given her more of myself when I was younger. It took me awhile to realize that you could disagree with the beliefs of someone else, especially if they were open to you. My grandmother, always, in the end was open to me. I didn't realize that for a long time. So it came as a surprise to find out that my aunt didn't like her, and didn't have a good relationship with her. So as functional as she may have been to me, as far as her daughter was concerned, there was dysfunction there. I'm not really sure why that was, in so many ways they are alike . And then in some ways, they are not alike.

Would I not be someone I liked if I had a "functional" IMO father and mother situation? What is functional to me? I know that it would have been nice to have support for things. For instance, I wanted to play hockey not figure skate. My parents gave no heed to that, and made me figure skate (which I hated) because of the money for hockey equipment. I understand the money thing, but why make me do something I detest. First I didn't want to do music, they forced me. When I decided I loved playing the flute and wanted to do it for a career, instead of discussing that option with me, then they did not approve of that choice. I couldn't win. I could never be supported, there was always something wrong with what I was doing, at least by my father.

Functional to me, is supporting your child growing up. Being interested in their individuality, not just because they were developed from your seed, and therefore your property and a reflection of you. You know, my dad was not a good student in college. He got by, yet he was always touting the "gifted" children's programs, and always expecting the best from me. Not by supporting me, but by berating me most of our relationship. It wasn't until I was out on my own, that I excelled in school. In fact, when I graduated from college, I remember just making eye contact as I excepted the diploma with my husband. It was really "our" accomplishment. In no way were my parents involved in that at all, in fact I think I excelled because they were not such a big part of my life anymore. They had not earned it. I had figured all that out yet, but I know now that most of my life I have been seeking to pull away from their toxic influence. Even when I didn't know I was doing that, that is exactly what I was doing.

I wonder why my father expected of me, what he never accomplished himself. Why did he want me to have his life, when he's been so unsuccessful in most every aspect of it? Don't parents normally want better for their children? I have better, and I did it all myself. Thanks dad, but shove your advice you know where.

I don't think a "functional" relationship would affect most children or adult children that way.

Very Bad News All Over and It's Not Mine

I love news that says we are going to "avoid the recession". Hey folks, the recession NEVER ended since the 90s, and we have been in it all that time. No matter what the politicians say LOL. One good Christmas season does not a recession end.

Ford Worst Year in 103 Hundred Year History!!

Jobless Rate Goes Up AGAIN

Yet, Another Reason to be Thankful We Were Born in the USA

Letters from Anne Frank's Father

An Actress/Singer that I Like Involved in Car Crash That Kills Others (no drugs or alchohol involved)

Thursday Thirteen (13) Things I Like About Being Estranged

1. 
   

• Not having calls about things they need me to do "right now" regardless of what I might be doing at the moment, or how far away I live.
• Not having call backs until I relent when I say "no" to something.
• Not needing to participate in stuff only the other person likes, and have anything I like to do scoffed at.
• Not wanting to call them for emotional support for anything that I know I will never get.
• Not having to pretend that everything is hunky dorey between us all ever, and especially at Thanksgiving or Christmas.
• Having enjoyable holidays doing what I want, and not needing to plaster a smile on my face and bite my tongue so I don't have a terrets related "bitch" attack. That is the uncontrollable urge to scream out "bitch" at the monster.
• Not having invites to family gathering soley as a purpose to be transportation for someone the monster wants to come.
• Not having those uncomfortable birthday dinners where neither one of us knows what to say to the other, as there is really no relationship there.
• Not needing to think of things or ways to "earn" the love and support of family members. Have gotten to the point where I believe they don't deserve my attention in any way.
• Don't need to lie to relatives anymore about our relationship on a day to day basis.
• Not seeing the monster, and not needing to pretend I like her if I do see her.
• Not needing to pretend to listen to my dad's dysfunctional advice or give it any merit. Having been clear to him that when he has a successful marriage, family, or career then he can give me advice about those things. Until then sutty uppy.
• The self esteem it gives me to not be anyone's doormat any longer.

The H Word

I've thought a lot about the H word. HATE. I would say, I hate my step monster. I suppressed it for a long time, and tried to work it out with her. The thing is, I just hate her, and with many good reasons. While I would never wish something horrible to happen to anyone (really), she is the one person that I daydream about having a horrible asthma attack or is lying in a ditch and I just drive by. I can't stress enough that I would ever ignore a human being (and I guess she is that) in trouble, but she is a person that I must hate. A lot of people say hate is closely related to love, and in this instance, at least, I would have to disagree. I didn't not like her when I met her, but I thought she had a broom handle up her ass. I didn't start to not like her until I walked in the house and she was screaming "bitch" at me from the top of the stairs for moving into my father's house when I was 18. That pretty much started the whole dislike process, and still I tried to make it work.

Do I hate my mom? No, I feel sorry for her. I think she is not an emotionally well person, and combined with that just not a nice person by any stretch of the imagination. I believe that for some reason that I can't imagine, she holds onto anger from her marriage with my father that is well over 20 years old. She has this fixation that she just can't stop obsessing or talking about him. I wonder how that makes her current husband now. Also, from the amount of times she has talked about thinking her current husband should go to therapy, I wonder at the happiness of her marriage. She seems to think life has swept her helplessly along some path that she could not control, when she was in control of it the whole time. Additionally, she feels others are responsible for how she feels about herself. She needs validation that she is the wonderful person that she wants to be, and is angry when she does not get it. Trials and tribulations that we have all gone through---or most of us anyway----(putting yourself through college, first crappy jobs) are unto her a horrendous experience that no one else could have possibly suffered but her. In fact, she has had a pretty good life. She has had careers that she wanted most of her life (antique dealer, photographer, writer). She has a marriage that she wanted, and was her "soul mate" and unlike any other relationship she ever had. So, I can't really feel all that bad for her!! I don't like her, but I don't hate her either.

My dad, I would say I feel more contempt for him. Perhaps, he has a mental illness and I should feel sorry for him. I have at times. Unfortunately, all I see when he speaks is his manipulation. I don't know that there is really anyone there underneath all that. What work it must take to be like that all the time. I would be exhausted. I have to say, I don't feel like he only doesn't respect me. I have heard the way he speaks to the monster, and while maybe I think it's karma for that to happen, it's not the way I would accept being spoken to or treated by my husband. Course, well, she treats him as though she hates him most of the time. Relatives have been commenting lately, as she and he haven't hidden it as well as they could presently. Or as they have done in the past.

While I think it's healthy to distance myself from my family, and just feel acceptance, even that disturbs me. I wish I could stop feeling guilty that I don't like either my mother or my father. The monster is of no consequence, and anyone who lived with her would be hard pressed to like her. I have other words for her besides the "H" word, like the "B" and "C" word . I feel not a whit guilty about that. I think she worked real hard to earn them from me. She deserves them.

It sort of disturbs me that I knew at a young age that all I wanted was OUT. That was before the Monster. It was a huge mistake to move back in with dad when I was 18, but at least I learned about the Monster instead of wondering later on what it was exactly that I didn't like or trust about her. I didn't need to think I was crazy later for not ever bonding with her. I knew exactly why I didn't like her, and even she can't make excuses except to deny things happened. Only problem is, there were witnesses to two big events .

Communication in The Family

Recently a family member has been including me on their "junk mail" postings to the family. It's an interesting dynamic, and I think telling of a family that just can not communicate in any constructive way. No, "hey, how are you, missed you on Christmas". Just forwarded chain letters. That is just so typical in my family. I don't know, maybe I am on that list by accident . Also interesting, my bioligical male sperm donor also is on the list. I wonder if the step monster is on the list (I have deleted the e-mails) that would make an interesting dynamic LOL (read feud because the monster will rage about anything that isn't exactly her way). Course she hates this relative, as this relative hates her so probably not on the e-mail list.

Course, I am not any master of communication as I grew up with this family!! The moment I started speaking my mind instead of skirting around it, the rift occurred. It was me in fact that insisted upon the rift. I finally insisted upon a way that I was to be treated from now on, and they are unable to treat me with respect or caring. Unfortunately the only ones they can treat with respect or caring are themselves. I don't mean treat each other with respect or caring either, just very narcistically their own selves only.

Not Doing Too Badly on New Years Resolutions

I've gotten some business stuff out of the way, and my updates to my web have already started to pay off, literally. Plus it cost nothing but my time. Haven't finished the contracts yet, but they are significantly done.

So today, two things that I am going to try and add to my "schedule" 1) exercise and 2) training Jackster. I have another client dog to train today as well. Yesterday was another Jack, puppy lab, that came over for training. It was his one year birthday, and he was doing so well. He is such a sweety pie.

No real bad news to report today. I have had some dreams but none estrangement related, and unfortunately death related (of my pets that is). No mystery to that with 3 pet deaths in the last three years (due to old age) and one geriatric girl doggie, Jazzabelle. She is my best buddy in the world. Leon's my baby boy, but Jazz has been with us 11 years now, and keeps the obnoxious boys in line. She has been a real help in so many ways. I dread the day where she is not here anymore, as one always does.

Blog & News Search For Family Estrangement

On Angelina and Aniston

Parental Alienation Syndrome

On The Unabomber

Not much talk out there right now about family estrangement. I would say that's a good thing, but I know that most people that go through this don't really talk about it publically, or can't (too painful).

Unregistered Cars

Just figured out that my husband and I have been driving around in unregistered cars. In the big city, I would get an e-mail and do it online. Not so in the sticks of Maine LOL. Any way, just glad that a police officer did not need to "remind" us with the accompanying fee and possible jail time. Now to get the cars inspected, only past due since October, and you need to make an "appointment" to get an inspection around here. Oh, so far from the city.

Siruis is bouncing up and down. There may be a merger, FCC says there won't be a merger, XM is being sued, analysis say FCC isn't right appeal in motion. Can you just hear my stock "boing boing boing". It's way up, it's way down, and now it's up. The investment journalists are just having some fun at my expense now .

Thursday Thirteen (13) Good Memories

1. Walking the snowy trails in Stowe VT with Neptune and Jazzabelle.


2. My husband planned all of our wedding day except my gown and hair!! It was great. We had mostly our friends there, and close relatives. We did it buffet style in a country club house room. Mostly we had amazing appetizers and plenty of them. After the ceremony and reception, our guests and ourselves got into bathing suits (late night) and played pool games.


3. Picking up our new puppy, Leon, at the airport!! He was so cute and shy in his crate. On the way home, my husband was stopped for speeding, the cop took one look at the puppy staring back at him, and just gave us a warning (and this would be a Boston or State cop---unheard of!!)


4. Going to Disney World with my grandparents when I was 9. My uncle and aunt (Ralph & Priscilla) also came along with my cousins Kaya, Chris, and Shauna. We got grampa sick on the teacups, and he was egging us on!! I also rode with my grandpa on the new Space Mountain ride!!


5. Picking Clyde up at the pet store, while walking home with groceries. He came home on the top of a grocery bag (couldn't drive, not much money). He was the only orange kitten in a cage filled with black kittens. He was feisty too!! He wailed the whole time they clipped his nails before he came home. When we got home, he was shy at first. I went to work, when I came back he hesitated for just a moment then ran right up to my face (I was crouched on the floor so I wouldn't look too big).


6. First dog that I volunteered to handle and socialize at the shelter. Solomon was a yellow lab. Very hyper, but also very loving. When he jumped up toward my face the first day, I was thinking "I hope this is a friendly dog". Then after walking him, I was drenched with sweat through my winter coat from all the pulling. He was adorable, and he had epilepsy. I would spend time in his kennel afterward just petting and talking to him. I did learn to take him out last if I wanted any energy for the next dog .


7. A pink valentines cake my mother made for me when I was 7 or 8. It had little candy hearts on the rim and all around the cake.


8. Last night of the RV trip from hell. My husband and I were miserable, but laughing hard at the predicament we had gotten ourselves in. We had tears streaming from our face. (Note: Don't rent Rvs, first of all, and also really make sure you like the destination you are going to. Finally, these are like big buses, you can't just park anywhere you want or do a U turn on the fly.)


9. My friend Patty farting over the intercom at work. Or belching.


10. A Christmas Catcus that was presented to me at Paul Revere for being a good team leader. That was a nice day, and completely unexpected!!


11. Eating at Bintlifts here in Maine for the first time for supper, and then for brunch. So great to find "the restaurant" for special occaisions. I would never have tried it, but a good friend of ours insisted it was worth it. Awesome food. I have a thing about not wanting to go to restaurants for so so food. I will go less often and pay more for really incredible food.


12. Thanksgiving on the beach this year and last!! Both times it was sunny, beautiful, and 60 degree weather. We walked the dogs and had a great time. For that matter, both Christmases were similar.


13. Boogey boarding with my husband. I always ALWAYS catch the most waves. Well, he really doesn't do well, but I try to coach him.

Duh, Save as Draft

Okay, I finally figured out that you can cheat and prepost on Blogger. Wow, that was one of the things I was hating about Blogger, and now it's going to be gaining on Typepad as my more favorite Blog service, and it's free!! I just don't know if I can take copying all my blogs back over hear again even to save 150.00 per year. Course, the other thing I like about Typepad, is I have so much space and have unlimited blogs that I can set up. Good for business, so I probably need it anyway with the video I am downloading and such!!

The other thing Typepad just started doing, which is a huge help, is placing the pictures on the portion of the page that you want them. So that one does not have to drag them down the page. Especially helpful if you have a really long post, because ultimately it screws with your paragraphs when you drag, and then you have to go back and reformat everything.

It's a Skating Rink Outside/Investing

Our new home (a bit over one year now) came equiped with our first garage, and it's a huge two car jobber!! You gotta love it when you have ice storms, as there is no chipping out or shoveling out that needs to be done. One can just get in their car and go.

Not that I am going anywhere today. Luckily, Nan took over for her client's visits yesterday, and brought Nikki home with her through this. So I am off for today too to finish up business contracts, liability forms, make sales calls, and finish up the web update for http://www.mannerlymutts.com that is almost done. So it's a working day, but I am staying pretty much in my pjs. I am not venturing out anywhere today on car or on foot. Except I am going to need to chop out an area for the dogs so they can pee and poop by getting a footing on the ground. I didn't realize this morning, and everyone took a tumble out the front door, then had a hard time standing just to do their business. I had to rescue poor Jazz who has wobblers, and couldn't get her legs from being splayed. When I went to pick her up to bring her in, I figured out we were both going down hard if I did that, so we just took it slow to the door as I tried to support her backside. Poor girl, it just sucks getting old. Leon fell into the ice with his legs splayed, and then was afraid to come into the door afterward.

Investing, hate it. I do it though as I always make money in the end, but I am only so so at it. Worst past story is that I had a good chunk of Martha Stewart stock right before she went in the clinker. I had written it off, and put my bid in fidelity. The great thing about fidelity bids is that when a future event happens, and your busy, the transaction will automatically be done. However, 9am one morning, I realized that was a baaaaaad thing too. You see they had announced Martha's new apprentice show (even though it ended up being a dud, it was a very favorable view of what it would be then), and the stock soared. If I had left it as is, I would have made something like over $10.00 a share. I basically almost took a header trying to charge from the second floor of my house to the first floor, and still didn't manage to get to the computer fast enough!!! Heartwrenching, but I got over it.

Now it's easy to make money investing when you actually have the money to move around. Not so much when your money is tied up in other avenues, like payment of the mortgage of your new house near the beach. Well, the new house near the beach gives me more pleasure, so I am not bemoaning that. It's this Siruis stock that I have, and I totally believe in. It's been a rollercoaster ride though and I am so far on the unearned losses list (ie value down, and I am holding strong). There is nothing wrong with Siruis, but XM's shananigans were the first to bring the stock down low well below my buying price. Then I swear these people who write articles for investors play games so that they can rise or lower the stock at a whim. Every friggin time, just by reading some article, I can tell whether it's going to go up or down that day, and it has nothing to do with company performance just what this bloke says at so and so broker house. That is what is irritating, because that's what you have to use to hedge your bets then, not the actual accomplishments or assets of the company. Oh well, so the stock has raised 215.00 this morning alone, bringing my unearned loss up to 2000.00. Perhaps if some yahoo investment writer doesn't play the games, I a may be able to earn on the first 250 of those shares that I bought lower. And perhaps if the merger goes through, I win big time.

So the reason why it's easier if you have more liquid cash, is that you can distribute the fees over more shares and by more expensive stocks that are going to go up and down. It's easier to pull out of a stock like this and ride the wave to maximize your profits or minimize your loss. Instead, I feel like I will loose out if I sell, also if I try to ride the waves, I will only be increasing the fee ratio as I don't have that much liquidity to go for the stocks I would replace it with. I also have some preset prices in with fidelity (reminiscent of MSO) so I feel like I need to be checking in now that it's on the upswing, in case I need to cancel one out quickly (if something big goes down). But not doing investing, means not having my money grow at all, which is also not an attractive option to me.

Freezing Rain

Pelting frozen droplets of water are pelting the ground and forming a crust of slickness. I should have bought the infomercial shoe modifiers. The equipment strapped onto your shoe, and had metal dots on the bottom that adhere to the ground.

Unfortunately, I most likely need to find a way to go out this afternoon to Nan's client's house. Nan is a pet sitter in the area that has referred to me a good amount of business, so I try to help her out when she asks. I took the afternoons for her with her client in Kittery, which is first of all a bit farther on a good day than I want to drive, and second of all we are now in the middle of an ice storm.

Poor Pearly's owner was not able to get here yesterday. I don't know how well she is going to be able to get here this morning. Luckily, Pearly is very easy to take care of.

I have nothing else to write about now, but ice storms take the power out all the time, so I figured I best get my blogs updated (although I keep forgetting that this is no longer my priority blog).

Typepad is Messing With Me Today

So here I am all chipper and early in the morning. Actually pulled myself away from my cuddly puppies. Groggily wondered who that fourth creature was, until I remembered I am boarding Pearly. Pearly gets to sleep in the bed, which is a service not offered all clients .

Go to typepad to dutifully get my business blog and middle aged princess blog done. Picked today, of course, to try Youtube video on my blog that I pay for. Interestingly enough although you get scads of room on typepad, good luck using it. Video does not upload to their site!!! You have to go through a service like Youtube which allows only 100MBs of video. Pictures and text just don't make a dent in my typepad service, even though I have like 15 blogs for all my clients and my personal ones.

Any way, I think the video I am practicing linking to my blog is making my blog out of wack. Takes me awhile to realize, no it's Typepad messing with the template designs!! Or perhaps they are off for the day, and something is corrupting the files. Geez Louise!! Why must this happen everytime I try something new or am feeling particularly energized. Ugh.

Have lots of interesting videos and pictures on these blogs today (should they correct the templates any time soon). Jackie, our young Doberman, brought us a bit of a present yesterday. Proudly prancing from the woods, he delivered a deer leg.

Yup, that's what is displayed in the tree. Too cold to dig it a proper grave yesterday, and so we are waiting for garbage day to dispose of poor Bambi's leg.

Lovely video of us playing on the beach at this blog.

Disgusting pictures of deer remains at this blog. This blog and possibly the other blog might not look right as Typepad staff is busy messing with templates, UGH. But if you scroll down, you will see them.

155 Million Powerball Drawing Tonight

How many other people have this disease? Whenever I play powerball (and I never play unless it's over 100 mil, cause let's face it that's the minimum I need to survive LOL) I am sure that I am going to win?

I will even let the anticipation build by not checking the number for a few days so that possibility continues to exist, which would point to the fact that I know I am going to loose. Fantasizing about how I am going to spend the money or what we are going to do:

1. Let Robert know when the money clears the bank so he can quit his job (I would still continue my business of training dogs. I might even buy my dream car (not his as he would want to pick it out himself) to pick him up somewhere in finery so he knows I am not kidding this time . Not that I have ever fooled him, this would just be the proof needed. Probably the deposit slip and copy of our bank transactions would help. My dream car, by the way, would probably be a new Range Rover, although I really prefer the 1981 used one that I had. Later on I would probably get the classic Range Rover that I really wanted (love the big windows, no blind spots, and just love the look of that truck), plus three or five dogs can all fit comfortably in the back.



2. Pay off all our debt and mortgages. Clearly.



3. Buy a house in Stowe VT. Nothing fancy, just something comfortable with some land (for the dogs of course) when we go and ski, which would probably be all the skiable winter.



4. Buy a house on the ocean with some land, and make this house and land all for the dog school possible shelter and kennel. Perhaps a couple of guest houses on the property.



5. Buy also all the acreage around this house, so that we can have 40 or 50 acres devoted to the dog school and shelter (we have that available now, but it would protect it so no one would buy it and build on it as they are prone to do here). Fence that in (just in case one gets loose as I will have a staff). Also build safe areas that staff can use to quickly isolate a dog or themselves if trouble breaks out. Building of a training room and kennel (possibly). I don't like to use kennels for dog boarding, but for isolating during a short portion of the day I don't mind. Or in a shelter situation, you really don't have much choice if you want to keep everyone healthy and safe.



6. Pay for the maintenance and paving of our street, so the neighbors won't complain about the business. Not that there is much they could do, but some might try to complain if it got busy. Paying for the maintenance and paving the street (and including speed bumps) would go a long way to keeping everyone happy. And if you could convince the city for public water and sewer, well then......



7. Probably come up with some kind of family trust fund or gifting for nieces, nephews, bothers, sisters, and Robs dad. Rob's dad is doubtful to say he would need anything, but specially make sure that he is all taken care of. He's very set in his ways, loves where he lives even though it's difficult to climb the stairs, and has shown no interest in moving here with us , but we will check again and again. His disorder (similar to mine) would make it difficult to actually live in the same place with him, but he is a loving and wonderful man. He's been a great dad to Robert, and I am sure is responsible (as is Robs mom) for his compassion and kindness.



8. Personal trainer for both of us.



9. Personal nuitritional chef for both of us.



10. I will NEVER clean again, but my house will be like my grams was in cleanliness. Now would just need to find someone to hire that can do that . Dogs leave a lot of hair and dirt, especially when they are allowed as much leeway as mine are.



11. Vacation to Hawaii for the husband. We have never been, and he always thought he wanted to retire there (until he met me). I'm not so excited about the destination, but we have fun wherever we go, and I am sure that if we pick the right location (and the volcano there does not erupt) I will enjoy it. Not a house there, as your dogs need to be quarantined for six months, and that just ain't happening.



12. Big old party at the ocean house. All my family is invited EXEPT mom, dad, and step monster. To her credit, mom wouldn't expect to be invited. I make it crystal clear to all family members that dad and step ARE NOT INVITED. Additionally (in my fantasy) all come, as his siblings all pray to the alter of money and material things. The most wealthy ones win. Well, that would be my step-brother, his family on his father's side, and his wife's family (talking almost bill gates rich there). Nevertheless, money shall lure all that dad is related to, and leave dad and step seathing with envy and regret for their now favoritess of daughters. Probably would get calls of apology from both on the press release of the Powerball play. Course, I would not accept the false apologies.



13. Oh I almost forgot, to die for wardrobes. Well made clothes anyway, not necessarily the most extravgant and expensive. Perhaps a stylist to help me put it all together.



14. Definately designers to put my houses together and furnish them. I know what I want, I just don't always know the best way to go about getting there. It's helpful if you have someone you can connect with, that does this everyday for a living.

There it is. My fantasy of instant wealth.

And then there is this guy, who started giving out money when he was poor, and then became "secret santa". Does that put my musings to shame or what? Not so good news is that he died, but if you check out the bottom of the story, he has left his legacy and nice doings in place. We could all contribute to the secret santa cause.

Never Really Had Dreams of My Family Before

I have never really had dreams about my family before. They aren't too frequent now, and they seem to gather around the holidays in particular around or after Christmas and Father's Day. I don't think I ever remember having one about my mother, though I am sure I must have and forgotten it. It's difficult to "keep" the dreams once you wake up. For instance, I know I had at least two last night (one unrelated to my family) but I remember only the one now though both seemed crystal clear before I hit the snooze button this morning.

This is kind of a recurring house dream (see now I remember sometimes my mother is in this dream). I can't remember if it was my mother or my step that we are vacationing with. Robert and I are young in this dream, and this is a house that only exists in my imagination (it does not resemble any house I have ever been). It's a cozy warm cottage that is sometimes on a farm, and other times on the sea. When it's on the sea, it has this neat white building that is huge, all windows, and kind of looks like a couple stories of a huge artists studio inside. I am always wanting to make that into my home rather than being in the other house with my mother, father, or step monster. The house always has this neat attic with antiques and bits and pieces of our family history that I have never seen.

In this dream, my father is being very controlling of where I go and what I do. Kind of weird, because later on in life we would visit him at his summer house, and he would pretty much leave us alone. Kind of like he was uninterested in me completely. In this dream he is being obnoxious, and tickling me (never did that to me since I was a toddler) controlling but also joking around too. I kind of like the joking around part, but he's driving me nuts with the controlling, so I tell him we aren't spending our summer vacations there anymore. He's upset and he says, "but if you would only do exactly as I say, we could all be together". You know, not live your own life or (God forbid) have your own ideas, oh and accept abuse that comes from the S monster.

Latest Dream of Christmas & Grandma

Here is my latest dream which I am logging on this blog, as it is relevant to the estrangement. It's Christmas Eve, and we are at my grandmother's house (haven't had a Xmas Eve part for over 15 years now there). My grandmother is dead, but she keeps coming in and out of the celebration. Not like she is a ghost or dead, but I know she is dead. I am expecting she is going to ream me for my estrangement from my dad. She doesn't, and he is there.

He has brought presents for me, but I am not interested in them nor talking to him. I mean I am not "not talking" to him, but it's superficial only like "hi" or "merry Xmas", and then I keep my distance from him and the step.

I am helping my cousins dress the tree, and I keep breaking these "heirloom" ornaments. There are new ones there like the magic hallmark ornaments but unbelievable and almost toy sized. There was one that was like an aquarium museum with a seal in it that bowled. If he didn't do it right, an alligator came up and ate him. It was a pretty wild ornament.

So this is what I get from this dream, and anyone else please feel free to comment. We had certain traditions as a family that meant we were a "happy" family. As long as we had Christmas Eve, we all showed up and exchanged presents, well then whatever else went on during the year did not matter. It's interesting that I would fully expect that my grandmother would scold me and be horribly disappointed in me, but she makes no comment in the dream. This is something that I could never imagine her not doing. She has surprised me in the past though, and it's probably my subconscious hoping that if she sees me from where she is, that she finally understands my decision and circumstance. In a Roman Catholic family it IS NEVER alright to disobey your parents never mind completely cut them out of your life.

This is kind of related to another dream that I posted in error to my other blog. It's regarding not talking to my dad, but he wants to come drop off presents. I am not interested in the presents, and plus it's weeks after Christmas. Then he wants to bring over my birthday present too, and it's six months after that. I remain uninterested in seeing him or getting the presents.

It's very much about this superficialness to our family. Really outright lying on my father's part that everything is fine "see I bought her presents, what else would she need?"

13 Things I Love About Mornings

1. Watching the today show


2. The first cups of coffee in the morning


3. My sleepy dogs cuddling up next to me, especially after they have been fed, pooped, and peed (favorite part of the day LOL)


4. Spending some quiet time with the husband, who is working his butt off in his new job (and it's a cute butt too)


5. The boys (dogs again) playing and seeking each other out for love and play in the morning


6. A bonus day with my 14 year old girl Jazz. I enjoy each day with her. Course just cause the other two are young is no guarantee of anything either.


7. My Duran Duran CD, Capitol, that wakes me up every morning, and I never seem to get tired of. (although I do shut it off most times to sleep longer)


8. The light through the pine trees from my bedroom window. I was making images in them, like one does with clouds, this morning.


9. The heat timer that comes on at 6 am each morning, so that I can possibly emerge from bed instead of snuggling deeper like a hibernating bear!!


10. Being up earlier so there is the potential to get more done during the day.


11. Blogging as the first activity.


12. Thinking for a moment that I am going to get everything done today.


13. Hot morning shower with new soap that hubby ordered for me. I am a huge soap snob.

Not So Nice Feelings of Happiness

I wasn't going to post this, as it's something that I am not proud of, but I have been trying to delve up something for three hours now as I procrastinate from the important items of business that I should be doing. Perhaps pushing this out of my conscious (as it keeps twirling around in there) will get me motivated and off my ever expanding ass.

So my husband was talking to one of our neighbors a few streets over. See Tony (the guy who donated sperm for my creation) has a summer house over there. He just moved to a condo for his full time home, and there has been a question as to whether my childhood home (not a home of good memories for me) was sold or not. I do know that there is another family living there, but the house has not come up on MLS searches (as every house that is sold does) for the sold listing.

Tony does not do well under financial pressure (understatement of the year). Money is key to him, lack of money or financial mobility is something that he just isn't able to deal with gracefully. If my step wasn't such a monster and so deserving of this karma, I would feel bad considering what it looks like my husband found out. Again, I don't feel pride that I grin like a cheshire cat every time I think on this. If I were you reading this, the thought that I was a little bitch would cross my mind.

Any way, they must be renting the house, as it appears the loving couple is carrying all three properties (summer house, orginal house, and 450000 condo) in this raging (not) real estate market we have. Could it be because the step monster (ie cracker jack real estate agent) went way too high in the first place during the downslope of real estate? That by the time they reduced the price, perhaps people wanted actual stairs that went down to the cellar instead of a hole they could fall through (among other improvements and the shitty remodeling job they paid for in the first place)?

Must be a lovely pressure cooker at ye old folks house. I wouldn't be surprised to see headlines like "husband cracks, chops wife into small pieces after taking out 1 mil life insurance policy". Could go the other way too with this evil bitch, but her wealthy father just died, perhaps leaving her a little something that wouldn't be shared otherwise. God, he knows how to pick them, and makes excellent financial decisions. Course he would never listen to me in the past, even knowing how successful I was in my career. Good, I never want to have helped him EVER.

I am going to hell. Sorry, grandma, I know this is your baby boy, and I think he's going to be several floors down from you when it's his time.

Actually, what a wuss I am. I should be revelling in this. I don't play the dysfunctional family sports well.

Today's words=crabby, crampy & cross

Ugh, a train hit me yesterday. It's been a little too beautiful out here recently, and I have gotten way carried away. I spent about three hours on the beach with dogs yesterday with wet pants and shoes. The biggest mistake, I think, that I made was sitting still too long with Jacky. I wanted to get him used to people, which was successful, but in the process caught a bit of a chill when I got home.

I spent the rest of the day huddled under blankets with my three dogs stuffed all around me for warmth. Jack took care of my tootsies thankfully. He's good like that. And Leon allows me to stuff my cold hands under his puppy arm pits. Jazz lies faithfully by my head looking after me.

Any way, felt (and still feel) completely sick after feeling so good yesterday before the chill hit. It's the humility of getting older and not being able to physical cope or not wanting to tuff it out anymore. So today I am all sore and cross. And yeah, it ends up being that time of the month too. Oh goody, that always feels great, so let's add cramps in already. Early menopause would be a welcomed thing for me by the way. I never wanted those monthly things anyway, knowing somehow as a child that I wouldn't have children. I didn't understand why they just couldn't be called off accordingly. For something so natural, it just seems unnatural doesn't it.

Now, if I could have puppies as cute as my dogs, I would be spitting them out whole heartedly. Oh well, I guess I was just not born with either the kid or cooking gene.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION SPORTS INJURY

Do you know that friction plus panty elastic can create quite a painful welt in your butt? I have been enjoying working out on my cardioglide, but my error in not having an ass that has been broken in by such frequent workouts.

So first week doing so so. Workouts, missed two days, but can make those up. Eating more healthy, calorie wise not so good, but logging and keeping track of what I am eating doing very well on. Plus, still loosing weight so my body is adjusting any way, still.

I have missed a couple days on a couple of my blogs, but am meeting my goals on those better.

Did check out my Ms blog yesterday after being so good all week long. Nothing new to report any way, so a spanking to myself.

I have completely failed on keeping a schedule that I make myself everyday, and have not come up to speed on training Jackie, which is hugely important. Also have not gotten much done on my to do list or business goals.