The Source of My Religious Musings Recently

I am Agnostic.

NOUN:
One who believes that it is impossible to know whether there is a God.
One who is skeptical about the existence of God but does not profess true atheism.
One who is doubtful or noncommittal about something.

For me, it's more about not believing in organized religion. It's something I thought since childhood, and a belief system that cemented itself during my college years. My family is Roman Catholic, and then there's the "other side". I think they had Protestant routes (whatever that is), but I don't really remember church being so much of a topic there. My grandmother and grandfather were very Roman Catholic. My grandmother was "surprising" sometimes in her beliefs. So much so, that I wonder sometimes if I dreamed certain conversations between us, or did I just imagine them. Or did she just have one sip too many of wine that day. Until the day she died, she went to Mass if she was at all physically able and attended the functions that she physically could.

I don't recall my cousins being particularly religious, and as far as I know, I only have one "blood" cousin that professes to be. This is a new thing for him by the way ever since he decided to get divorced from his wife of 15 years. Not that I am against divorce, I am not, especially with my family history. I think it is sometimes way more healthy to cut those losses while you can, and not put the children through the fighting et. if possible. Adult parents need to be over that pain, or able to mask it once certain other life events start happening for their children.

I do find it interesting that now, on breaking a religious rule (clearly), that now is the time to become religious. Especially in preaching this new religious fevor to others, um, like me. On the other hand, I was trying to be as supported as possible. Unfortunately, supportive usually menas using humor ie poking fun at the situation. Truly, I was trying to hang in there to be a shoulder to cry on. My husband wasn't really being a help in that regard. Everything is a joke to him. Trying to have a serious conversation with him, is like trying to catch a lion with a butterfly net.

The thing that really spoiled my resolve is when my cousin announced to me "that marriage is only for procreation. If you don't procreate, you don't have a real marriage." Reeeaaaalllly. How fascinating. And how convenient that religion can now be used while another is being a hypocrate to put someone else in their place. Religion and how I should "join" is first of all a hot button for me. The next hot button would be any insinuation that I am selfish because I don't have kids. Unlike my cousin who did not use protection and got his wife pregnant at 19 (big surprise that marriage is not going to work out). So I have been with my husband for 21 years, without the word divorce escaping our lips, but WE don't have a real marriage.

So my cousin most likely got a ration of shit from me, which was a blur I can't even recall what I might have said, but we get past that. By the way, I was expressly not invited to that wedding because of my step mother. Although my aunt/"GodMother" (also a "devote" and yet hypocritcal Roman Catholic) had called and said it was because they didn't have any money. Meanwhile, Robert and I put on our wedding ourselves, and their whole family was invited. This never made sense until yeeeaaarrssss later when I asked another cousin (cause you know everyone else was there, including my step brothers) and she confirmed the reason I wasn't invited. So being the black sheep of the family anyway, I guess my point is, an occaisional pat on the back for making well thought out and rational decisions (and responsibly using birthcontrol), and having a successful marriage AND career might be nice as a change. So that was yet another button that had been pushed until his next statement......

"You don't think you will just get to heaven just because your good, do you?" No, I think if I rape children and then do a confession I am going to heaven. And if people go to "heaven" that way, and if you even believe in heaven (which I don't) then I don't want to go to heaven to be around a bunch of people who "confessed" at the eleventh hour. Thanks. Not really sure I want to be around a bunch of people who find the bible story of the father that goes out to murder his son, but doesn't to be a good "morals" story. If that was a woman, we would say she was probably suffering from a mental illness like postpartum. In modern times, because God tells you to do it, just doesn't fly. We know a bit more about mental illness these days.

Any way, that's the end of my rant on religious hypocracy, I think:)

Oh, I will just throw in one more story to get it on here, as it's a topic that I won't discuss too much in the future. My husband's family is Jewish. And while I grew to love my mother-in-law no one was too pleased on that side that I was not Jewish. So my future mother-in-law called me out to have lunch one day, which I thought was nice. My feelings were so hurt, when she announced instead the topic was "why you should convert to judiasm". First of all, I am a pretty private person, and the only other thing that I would have considered more of a breach of privacy would have been instituting a timeline and sex schedule for the procreation of grandchildren (hate being treated as if my sole purpose on earth is to be a brood mare). I actually would take something like that seriously and not just do it to "fit in". Any way, that's yet another reason why I am against organized religion, it makes people who don't even follow it that closely rather "cultish". I would say the last thing anyone would ever call me is a "conformist".