And So He Slinks In, And Crawls Right Back Under His Rock

Saw that my "guest" was here at 2:45 and promptly left after reading my heartfelt love letter to him. Then the slimey little coward went back under his rock. If I was him, I wouldn't want to be reading my opinions about him either. They must sting a bit, even though he has gotten them first hand from me. So surprised he was, his meek little daughter, um, not so meek. Just putting up way more than she should for wayyyyyyy too many years.

But, looks like I am safe from another visit from Mr Coward I Just Shit in My Pants, and do not therefore need to weave fantastical stories for your benefit. I was actually sweating it out over this, but looking somewhat forward to it. I have never really written a fictional story before, so I was going to go with it.

Would probably make a good writing exercise for me.

As usual, my "visitor" has put me in a "black" mood. Just knowing that his pressence was reading my words is enough to send me into a rage. The chant that goes through my head "IS HOW COULD YOU HOW COULD YOU HOW COULD YOU......." Why am I so mad at him? What does it matter? I would swear that I have no feelings for him, I think it's the disappoinment in never having a "him" or a "her" that I felt safe with? Not like physically safe, though truth to hell, my father slamming a fairly solid chair down next to me scared the bejeezes out of me, and it was for nothing major. It explains where my dish breaking or figurine breaking habit came from early on, but then I realized "if I break things I like, then either I have to buy and replace them, or I just don't have them anymore". Hmmmm. Plus, it's not a real nice thing to do to my then boyfriend, now poor husband:) Oh, the things he has endured with me .

Wow, did I used to have a temper. I have flare ups every now and again, but nothing like I was in my twenties. It's hard to say whether it was the bipolar at work, or just the way I was taught to cope by dear old dad. Undoubtedly, both were working in harmony. Bipolar is a real internal thing for me, perhaps the only one who may have seen it at it's best, and says he never realizes anything is happening is my husband. I just take myself out of commission if I feel like that. When I was working in corporate america, those were the days when my door was closed, music was on, and the "do not disturb" sign was on the door LOL. Really didn't need the sign. That's why some docs believe I have cyclomania as I am fully functioning, and really it's just the depression that is the worst with me. It mainly affects me, and other people would just think I was very busy that day, which of course I was. Busy actually seems to help it, it's when I don't have enough work that I HAVE to get done right now, that it starts to creep in.

The other thing that really tends to set it off, is my immediate family. Ugh. I wish I could just shut off those feelings of complete white hot anger and rage. Deep breathe deep breathe. Yeah, that helps, and exercise. And especially my tae boe punching bag is always good for a few swift punches to someone's face without actually doing something so way inappropriate.

How is it that this family member is always sniffing about when I do the now rare family dysfunctional post? Hmm, maybe they have a search on one of my tags, but they really aren't that computer savvy. Such is why they probably never realized that I was fully aware when they were checking out my blog. Gosh, dad's never had a harsh word from me until that day in October 2005. Must be such a shock to see obscenities meant with him in mind. Boo fucking hoo. He's probably already calling the family to see he if can get me disinvited from the reunion, or making cryptic messages to family members about why he and BA monster can't go.

Monday Movie Review Marie Antoinette

I don't know, I kind of like this movie, and yet was bored all at the same time. If you are one like me that does other things when they get bored, and turn your ear to the tv, you will find there is very little dialogue that makes it possible to follow the story like that. It sounds more like you are listening to a mtv music video.

That being said though, it was a sympathetic look at Marie Antoinette portrayed as young and being trapped into a life not of her choosing. I suppose we can all relate to that on some level. As a child she was shipped out to the king, and stripped of everything (including her dog and underwear) as she could only bring in things that belonged to the foreign court she was going to in the ceremony.

All in all though, I would give it something like a t2.5 out f 5 stars.

I Have Decided I am A Man Trapped in A Woman's Body

Boys and girls, we have an unwanted visitor at the blog of my-family-sucks. So, until that person goes away, I am going to weave fantastical and very uncomfortable stories in order to drive them away:) ...shortly....until then a little message for my "guest".

Why are they here? Oh gosh, that could be anyone's guess. Perhaps they are regretting that they never thanked my now deceased mother in law for taking me in after their wife physically abused them in their house. Oh, probably not, since it's been about twenty years since that event. (how many friggin parents would neglect to thank the people that took in their discarded children?) Or maybe it's a better apology than the weak and insincere one that came where he "never delibrately meant to hurt me" which is bullshit. Maybe it's to apologize for not being helpful when my dog was dying and my car was dead in the driveway, and conicidentally my husband's car had died on the highway. Where freaking strangers were more willing to help out than dear old dad? Maybe he needs some kind of support from me, and should really know he's barking up the wrong fucking tree!! Oh no, maybe it's to mandate the terms of our relationship to me, when he's been so steadfast and reliable all these years? Maybe it's to read what he already fucking knows?

So asshole, I have site meter, and can see when you visit and what you look at. I will be polite to you if I see you in public, but I don't need to be polite to you anywhere else or the BA monster. Got it. Look elsewhere for whatever you are looking for.

Family Dysfunction

Hey, my egg donor is again posting to her blog. Thankfully, she is staying off the topic that is in any direct way related to me or her "skewed" stories to garner sympathy. That is refreshing.

Interestingly enough, she talks about my Grand Uncle (think that's the word, my grandmother's brother who is still alive). He has a sense of humor. He used to run around and play with us, and tickle us. Apparently he did this with her when she was little as well. And just as apparently, this really ticked her off. She had gone so far, some years ago (way after the tickling incidents), to write him a letter calling it (the tickling) molestation. Really, she wasn't saying any actual molestation had occurred. Now, if she felt that the tickling was inappropriate as tickling, and she wanted to get that out of her system for some reason twenty years later, well that's fine. But to specifically say that tickling is molestation? My mother was never about fun or a sense of humor. She was always hyper sensitive, and only she could be critical. God help anyone who might have a problem with her. That's exactly what ended our relationship oh so many years ago, I just couldn't take it. When she decided finally to be independent because everyone was "controlling" her? I was as the unplanned pregnancy. The man that she married and never loved, was in that he didn't turn out to be a prince after all, but the same man she never loved when she married him. What happened was we all needed to pay!! Dad needed to live with her having an affair for two years. None of us could enjoy family time enjoying any events that were not what THE MOM enjoyed (God forbid). Her music was the only music she wanted to hear in the house. She couldn't afford stuff for the family, but she could afford single items of clothes that cost hundreds of dollars. She didn't want to be questioned where she went. When my grandmother commented on the red nail polish, my mom went livid because she thought she was saying she thought my mom was loose. And ironically, the affair had been going on for some time!! Oh, good times at our house, you betcha!! No wonder I was charging out the door at 18, "uh, yeah, catch you guys later......"

It's interesting that she also picks up on the Alec Baldwin situation. She found an article that basically said "so what he called her a name". Now for the record, I don't find the phone voice mail unforgivable. I think, you know, both parents in this situation should be acting much better. That a child should not be receiving the brunt of ill feelings against each (the adults). If it is her mother keeping her from being available, it's really not the kids fault. I don't know that is the situation. My point is, I am not for calling a kid derogatory names nor do I think Alec has reached Satan status by any means, and was probably venting some human stress at the problem. However, that does not make it the right thing to do either. I believe he has said that he has apologized to Ireland.

My mother likes the article that basically thinks it's no big deal to be derogatory to your kid on an ongoing basis. See here's the thing, if you need to pick on a helpless child to make YOU feel better, than there is a real problem there. Especially a child you are supposed to be loving and nurturing into adulthood. With Alec, hopefully, this was a situational deal and not how he relates to his kid 90% of the time. Mostly, if you apologize sincerely and right away, most people and children will forgive you. If you feel "entitled" to treat this "property" in a derogatory way, well then you risk the fact that your kid may not so much like you when they grow up. They may not know how to express their disappointment in you now, but they will later. Even then, most parents would know, a simple apology would suffice. Keyword=most parents and not my parents, even when they are horribly obviously in the wrong.

Here is the other deal, and one my mother found out the hard way (as did my dad). You can continue to treat your child like that in adulthood. And the article is correct that this kind of "parenting" can make a strong independent adult. Hmmmm, now think about that for a moment. Now you got this strong independent adult, and what is it that a parent like this would think they are bringing to their life? Lack of love, lack of support, lack of interest in anything but themselves, sucking the joy and energy out of their life while in contact with you!! Someday, as I did, they may just figure out, life is better without you. Uh oh. But if like my husband, your mother supported, loved, nurtured, was your best friend, was interested in your interests too, and made a space in her life for others that you loved..... Well, that person ends up being their adult child's best friend until death do they part, as is what unfortunately happened two years ago. We both terribly miss her. She was a very special woman and mother.

My mother also likes the author of Dilbert's current article about testerone levels creating the need to make others miserable. My mother exclaims "thank God I escaped this family curse"!!! What the F is she talking about? As far as I can see, she enjoys making strangers lives miserable, never mind what she has done in her own family. She shares this quality with the monster. They are the type of people that want to do ALL the family gatherings, bully others not to, and then when the day comes......all they do is let everyone know what a pain in the ass it was for them to do!!!! Everyone has to pay from then on. It's really a vehicle for them to guilt and bully people into unreasonable expectations. Plus they get to do it for everyone all at once, and not have to be there for anyone individually on a human type basis or anything.

Enjoy the more and more rare rant on family dysfunction and estrangement. 10 years since talking to my mother, and 1 and a half full year since talking to my father. May I say this last year and a half (and that includes the monster too of course) has been such a peaceful and lovely year. It has been really eye opening to know how negatively that relationship affected me.

The thing is though, my father never called me "names". He just in every other way he could, let me know that I was useless. Nothing was right or good enough for him. Heaven Fing forbid if I should have my own ideas about anything. When I finally stood up to him a year and a half ago, I could tell he just never expected that I would call him out on all of this. He thought he had gotten away with it, and for the rest of my life I would quietly try to retain peace in the family and please him to do this. NOT. By the way, all that was asked of him was to stay out of the sale of our house (not even an apology was asked, and I had to explain to him that past events up until this point, and his not backing the F off were going to result in an estrangement. He was fine with that.) And because there was no foundation of a relationship there, ever, it was relatively very simple for me to do. I mean WHAT IS IT THAT I AM MISSING? Four awkward 15 minute conversations a year during holidays, where my father dains to speak to me? Yeah, wow, those were meaningful, but I am thinking I will live.

Oh so boring all of this stuff. I have been over it like a million times. Good thing is though, I am definitely on my way to healed and at peace with all of this.

Friday Fishing For Estrangement News or Blogs

Strained Relationship with Father

Mem0ries of Family and Thoughts on A Possible Estrangement that Happened

My Toxic Family Post

Not many, but I thought these were good ones!!

Thursday Thirteen (13) People That I Don't Admire Excluding Family Members and the Obvious Like Hitler

1. Oprah (and even more so after her "dog trainer" was on her show) Here is a link to my Mannerly Mutts Dog Training article about it.


2. Jesse Jackson--you can be racist AND be a minority.


3. Mel Gibson---And you can be racist and be a celebrity whose true self comes out with a bit of drink.


4. Tom Cruise---Filed under the Good Looking Celebreties or Models who are male should never ever speak. Ruins the illusion, sorry buddy.


5. Kim Bassinger ---Playing games with our kids during divorce is never right.


6. Tamar Geller (the "life coach of dogs and their people" that was on the Oprah show, and also host of the horrid Who Gets The Dog) See number one and related post


7. Rosie O'Donnell (don't even get me started)


8. Mitt Romney (OK this might be a more local reference, but Ick for the former Governor of Mass)


9. George Bush (either of them) I think the younger one has brain damage, and er, he's our current president.


10. Barbara Bush for that matter, big phony


11. Imus (never liked him before the "thing")


12. John Edwards, another Ick, and can we just keep religion out of politics somehow?


13. Rush Limbuagh, I guess. Not with the same passion as the others, but I couldn't think of a better 13 at the moment. I am sure I will in a few hours or so, and be hitting my head. Douh!!

Whooppee Wendnesday!!

One bit of good news, the Department of Unemployment seems to have caught THEIR error, and not only do we not have to pay anything back (which made zero sense by the way) but they forwarded on the balance of Robert's dinero. Gotta love the government. Go get the unemployed guy who is finding a job two weeks after becoming unemployed and put the screws to him. A$$holes.

Next bit of good news, Robert got the job he wanted. Now he's been working at a small firm on commission only basis, decent benefits. However, the company was just bought out (can you spell synergy) they have had a whole bunch of emergency conference calls, and well.....I am sure you get the picture. On all counts, best to deftly jump out of the fire. These days, employees just don't have the luxury, and plus it's plain stupid, to have any trust that their companies will look out for them.

So this job comes with up front money, expense account, PLUS they provide Rob with a computer, blackberry, and shredder for his HOME office. Sweet. Oh, it comes with up front money WITH commissions on top of that (unusual they usually say only if you make commisions over and above your up front money do you make anymore). Decent benefits too.

Few, dog training is good, but it doesn't quite cover OUR mortgage.5122 (Jesse the day training Sheltie puppy just typed that LOL. Am I good or what )

Tuesday Tech Blogger vs Typepad

How could I have missed this very important fact? Blogger does not have a built in photo album, you have to go to an outside free service.

Typepad, you have more than enough room for photos. I haven't even made a dent in my space yet.

Videos are a farce, you aren't going to get the file onto typepad. Despite the fact that you get like 100 GB or something like that, it just won't load video, and they have all sorts of excuses. Video Egg or YouTube are the best to use for either.

I used to think Video Egg loaded the file onto your blog software or service, but I was wrong. I realized that something would have shown up eating SOME of my space if that was true. Bummer.

Monday Musings of My Man

My husband has read some of my blogs poking fun at him. He has come to the strange conclusion that I like love him or something. I am wondering when he is going to realize he was just a fling already. It's been twenty going on twenty one years already.

So, I had posted that the inspection sticker on his car is from November of 2005, and I had a fit when I realized he had not gotten his car inspected. And knowing my doodie face the way that I do, I know that it's not that he has just forgotten to do it. Then it would only be a few months old NOT years old.

Finally, he manages to get the windshield wipers fixed on the car at my constant nagging. Which was promptly followed by the appointment (yes even though we aren't REALLY in the boonies, we are considered rural, and appts need to be made to go for an inspection) for an inspection sticker.

He goes, and the car fails. So I need to ask him, as he hasn't volunteered this info. He goes "the tire rods are shot. 450.00 to fix it. What do you think?" WHAT DO I THINK? FIX IT, DUMMY. No, I want you to be stopped in 2009 with a 2005 Mass inspection sticker, or worse be killed because you won't at the minimum maintain your car (the car he HAD to have by the way) so it passes inspection.

AARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Oh, Guess what the sale item was for last week. Easter candy.

I MUST HAVE THE DORK PRINCESS CROWN

This is a sticky note (scroll down for posts before April 21st (extended to the 23rd by the way)----day voting ends)

Due to a technical glitch failure at dorkbloggers, I still have a chance at the princess crown. Did I fail to mention before that you can vote for me every day?
No one else is mentioning how they will fulfill their dork title duties. Well first of all, there will be a portrait of at least me, if not my whole family, holding the covetted amazon certificate, wearing my tiara, with my robe, staff, and throne (oh yes with dork button on). Who else is promising you such things I ask?

I will also work on providing better stories, and being sure my family is on alert to observe and report dorky moments. This shouldn't be too hard for them.
Dork sob story to garner sympathy---I only ever won one thing. A stuffed tiger from a ring throw. My husband managed to squirrel it out of the house one day, and got it into the dumpster. I realized too late. Please help me realize my dreams of winning SOMETHING.

That is, unless I really am destined to win Megamillions or the Powerball, of which I am convinced I will.

Oh and because I completely dorked it, please vote for Mannerly Mutts, only as I completely gaffed it and a spread on three blogs would not get me enough. The competition is fierce people, and the only way I can pull out ahead is through the unfortunate technical error. Hahahahaha. It is mine I tell you. I can feel it.

Oh, don't bother to read anyone else's submissions. Hell, don't read mine just vote. And whatever you do, don't read Zigmans!!

MAY 13TH, MOTHER'S DAY

Okay, I have done the angry poem thing, so I won't repeat it on Mother's Day. For me though, this holiday is the perfect day to dig deep into myself for something estrangement related. Perhaps beach sand writing greetings to my excellent loving living grandmonster, egg donor and ba step monster? Beach rock formations of my inner turmoil? Hmmm, dog turd sculpture? Hellium balloons to the wind with special messages (would be especially interesting as the monsters summer house is just one street over. what if one should, er, blow over into her yard?).

Course this isn't to moms out there in general!! Just to the special women here on earth that remain in my universe that have that, errrr, bond with me. Be it a negative bond.

I have never celebrated mother's or father's day, as I should have uniquely celebrated it. Ah, yes, then in June comes Sperm Donor (ie father's day) Day.

Sorry for the angst there, but that is what this blog is for after all LOL.

Bi Polar Log

Haven't shared on my friend, bipolar depression. I actually haven't suffered any tangible set backs in awhile. Pretty impressive considering the worry about Rob's job's industry and all. Usually that is a good trigger for a downward spiral, I guess the medicine is doing it's job. Yeah, Celexa.

Course having something like this, you do always worry that it's instead deadening your state into a false sense of security when you should be panicking LOL. It's funny, because I used to be the worry wort, now my husband is. Better this way for sure. It was under the same set up where my income was the largest and most important, and his not so much. We are reversed these days, and I guess going with that incredible burden is the other incredible burden. Worry, and this happens even when you don't need to worry.

Rob's current company, that he's been at less than a month, was just bought out. Yahoo. Let the games begin. In the conference call, which seems to be all the rage in breaking the news these days, they said "there are no plans now to downsize, although we hold the right to make those determinations in the future."

Translation, glad Robert has been looking into another opportunity that he was offered. He is still so niave, and couldn't read that statement for what it was. WE ARE DOWNSIZING, WE JUST WANT YOU TO STAY FOR THE MOMENT, BEFORE WE LAY YOU OFF WITH NO PARACHUTE TO CATCH YOU. I understand corporate America speak very well. I still have nightmares about being at one of those jobs. They are never happy dreams, although I was never laid off without requesting (or giving them no choice:) for the severance package. I think I said something like "you can either KNOW when I leave, or you can be surprised". No one wants a surprise when the comptroller leaves, especially if they are any good LOL. It was a good move on my part, because despite their "promises" they cut the severance package into 1/3 after I left.

I hate that my poor hubby has to go through this. What really frosts me is that he's afraid to take his cholesteral meds or asthma meds for fear of any possibility of failing like the fourth drug test he is going for. This other opportunity is really important to him. Anything happens to him, and I am going after these companies that do these drug tests. I feel like such a weenie now for going along so voluntarily, just because I or anyone might not have anything to worry about.

But again ADD, I digress. My depression has not been the problem it's been in the past. However, my allergies are whipping my large white ass!!! My poor dog, Leon, suffers from these as well.

Friday Fishing for Estrangement Blog Posts

Family Member is Filled in By Previously Unknown Family Members of Estrangement

Interesting Article, Agree With Some Parts, Different Slant on Other Parts, Disagree with some Parts, but on the whole very interesting

Devaluing of Women Especially in Child Story Books

Health for Wealth

Family, Business, Cultural Differences

Alec Baldwin and Message to 12 Year Old Daughter

Thursday Thirteen (13) Thirteen Famous People That I Admire And Who Have Influenced Me In Some way But That I Don't Know

1. Martin Luther King


2. Jimmy Carter


3. Rosa Parks


4. Ben & Jerry (I realize these are two individals)


5. Condalisa Rice


6. Hillary Clinton


7. Whoopie Goldberg (funny lady, and Jumping Jack Flash---one of my favorite comedies)


8. Goldie Hawn


9. Jane Goodall


10. Mohamed Ali


11. Powell


12. John Candy


13. Betty White (although note, she supports PETA but I find it hard to believe that she understands why others support it. I do believe she is a true animal lover)

What Is More Important Than Money

News, I have become convinced, is really just one long commercial. Today had an author on of a book regarding how woman should protect themselves financially.

She really ticked me off. It's true, everyone (men and woman both) need to look to their financial future. She was talking about allowing fear to negate any value for woman (or men by the way, she seemed to forget that sometimes men decide to do this) staying at home for their children. That they should be ruled by the fear of the divorce rate, death, disability of their spouse as the sole reason for being in the workplace.

I am thinking that she had a personally tramatic experience. I read blogs on parents who are enjoying their time with their kids so much. It touches me deeply. As human beings, many of us are equipped to survive and roll with our circumstances. Okay, maybe it will be a little tougher to get that job. As for divorce, there is child support and alimony. You can also get a job or be self employed. Easy? No. But worthwhile to have spent quality time with the children IMO. I don't mind that moms go out in the workplace either, or have a two parent working household. Sometimes it is necessary, or both parents might actually enjoy what they do. As long as when they go home, they have a healthy vibrant relationship with the kids....great. But to downgrade the usefullness of a parent deciding to stay home and enjoy the children as less valuable than the dollar? Wow, I think that lady's life must be pretty shallow.

Va Tech If I hear them try to defend themselves one more time, instead of take care of their students and comfort the parents, I will explode

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070417/ap_on_re_us/virginia_tech_shooting_170

It is with complete disgust that I keep hearing on the news "so and so wants you to know the president of VA Tech did nothing wrong." MAYBE that's right, but you know what I don't care at the moment. Stop trying to save your ass, and instead perhaps show concern towards the students and parents.

Maybe let them know that you will review what happened, and take measures to try and prevent something like this from happening in the future. I can tell you, if I had a kid and all I was hearing was them trying to cover their admin butts, I would not only be pulling my kid but demanding the tuition back (at least prorated).

Hey %ssholes, 30 or so kids and teachers just got killed. Perhaps, oh I don't know, things could have gone better. Or maybe they couldn't, but perhaps you should be apologizing and comforting now anyways.

You know during college I had my own run in with these putz heads. Admin people who could care less about the students. I mean, your parents (as far as they are concerned, and it doesn't matter if it's you instead paying) have paid the tuition. Unless they complain and make waves, you are screwed. I found this out on two ocaisions, one where I had proof that the professor had given me the grade of another (he thought I was another student the whole class), but had thrown out everyone's work and so only wanted to give me a C because he didn't know how I actually did. Ugh. Then another where the finacial aid advisor didn't want to advise me, just wanted me to go away. Both times the admin staff made it clear that they thought I was powerless. Little did they know my powers even then of being a big fat pain in the ass squeaky wheel.

This situation just reminds me of their complete dissasociation with reality. These are usually academics that think they are so smart and all powerful because they are not usually challenged in any way. You know in corporate America they make the same mistake. When they have obviously or did obviously do something wrong, they deny deny deny. It just makes them look worse, and I don't know why these organizations don't recognize this. A nice helping of humble pie would make them look a whole lot better, and make people a lot less angry at them, even after an incident of this magnitude.

Terrible Tuesday, Mourning Monday

Day after the horrific Va Tech shooting. It is unacceptable that there was not (at the least) an immediate warning to those on campus. The University President's excuse is that they could not stop people coming in. I would hope there is a way to close down the parking lots for incoming students and send them away, as well as, any that were going in would most likely have been warned by the students who decided to leave.

It firms in my mind that students to admin in college are not much more than tuition checks. They did not feel it necessary to tell these adults (young adults but adults) that they were in danger. Even if the university could not have gotten qualified security protection down there, and even though they didn't know they had two hours, this measure would have likely at least given people the choice to stay and get out. Good lord, I would never want a college administrator deciding my fate like that.

Undoubtadly, this is something the President of the University is going to feel horrible over, and never get over. I hope this ingites some sort of safety procedures for when you have a shooter at large ...... jeesh. See, this is why I am glad I don't have children. How horrible for these parents, wives, and husbands that lost the teachers and students of this university.

Monday Movie Review "The Unsaid"

The Unsaid is a good thriller. One part of the movie caught me off guard, and then I am second guessing whether I should have seen it coming. Sort of like the Sixth Sense, when I was almost there, and then shelved the thought during the movie. It was just the beginning of a thought.

I like when a movie catches me by surprise, though I wonder if others will be caught unawares as much as I was. I won't tell you which story caught me unaware.

Anyway this pshychiatrist looses his son to suicide during the teen years. No one knows why he did it, although he was quite moody. Later on a former student asks him about a case she has. This kid has been in the hospital since his father killed his mother. The former student thinks there is something just not right yet about this kid, and he is up for release soon. So she seeks out a second opinion on the matter. Thankfully cheesy sex did not ensue between the two:) I hate when that happens. (the professor and his younger former student)

It was a pretty compelling thriller. Probably not at all appropriate subject matter for the kids (as most of my movies are not).

Marketing Madness

I just love what I do. Nothing is better. Unfortunately with being self employed also comes putting yourself out there with sales and marketing. You can use this medium of course, but then there is the other medium. You know the face to face marketing that gets the sale. I am not too good with that.

Also, dog training clients are tricky to select. Oh, yes, once you get to a certain point you want to SELECT your client. (I am talking dog training now for those that don't know, clearly can't put something like this on my dog training blog where the clients go LOL). See there are those that are not going to follow through. Worse there are those that hate their dog, and are sending the dog to you just to get rid of them for the day. The non-follow through ones can end up ruining a dog that was having small problems before. So, as you can see, if you care about dogs at all, the money thing is important to pay the bills and all, but it's not the most important thing. The client base I built is very loyal because of the extra non-billed time I take with them, and the help in other areas that are not necessarily training related.

So you (or I don't, there are dog trainers----most---that definately want the following clientel) or I should say, I, don't want the dog owner whose "staff" does most everything for them. I am not saying I discriminate against rich folks, I am saying I discrimate against those that can't even whipe their own ass. I mean, how likely is it that they are going to train their dog? I have real life experience with this (and was paid a good amount of money) and I am going to tell you it's not bloody likely. Then I like the dogs, like Cash & Tango two lovely St Bernards, but worry about them all the time. Would rather have just not gotten the money or know they were out there to worry about:( I mean, you can imagine how out of control two 175 pound dogs can get, when living outside or in the garage, no human interaction except for a few minutes most of the time, and left to their own devices. It's not that they are bad dogs at all, they are great. But they have not learned things like playing with humans and teeth is bad. They have NO idea the damage they can do just by being friendly and untrained. And so on occaision I think about them, and hope that things have worked out at home.





Plus I have learned some marketing things the hard way from a previous business. For my business for instance, Yellow Pages is not the way to go. You get 100% of "lookie lou" or "price point" calls only. I hate those, they are wasting my time. I should just leave a message "yes, you can get services cheaper, but perhaps not better. Read my site and call when you are ready to work". Course that would probably also drive the good clients away LOL.





Here is the other tricky part, except for that specific demographic that I talked about, you never know up front if a client is going to be good or bad. Sometimes I start out hating the client and worrying about their dog, and the client listens and learns, and then I love that client and they are the best client ever. Have one of those going on right now. It's hard to navigate through "tough love" and "outright bitchiness" to strike the right chord in order to get R done, as they say. Then some have aren't horrible but wish to be catered to without paying anything extra. If you ever overhear a dog trainer say up the charge for the PITA fee (that's the pain in the ass fee). Some dog trainers do bill their clients very individually. I haven't but I have certaintly seen why you might. My non-PITA clients end up getting the flat fee spread to them.





So I have been going about my marketing on this venue first with my very loyal customer base, and here are the three reviews (scroll down) that I have gotten. I love my clients so much!! This so much helps, as I don't think another dog trainer in the area has ANY reviews, and I know that I check these out for sure (if they are there, it looks like it's been slow for people to catch on that they can do this). So even that is hard for me to do a mass mailing to the clients asking for help like that. I hate that, but love the results.





Now is the scary part. I will be hand delivering info to motels/hotels/B&B that take pets, motels/hotels/B&B that don't take pets, veterinarians, groomers, kennels (for training services), et al. This usually requires that a face be put to the person. That means I have to go out and .....gasp.....talk to people one on one. Now to read me type, you might not think that would be a problem. Yes, even if I talk to you offline in e-mail format, but don't really know you, i would be hard pressed to make conversation. My husband can be the polar opposite from me except in a party situation where I think he is worse than me (if he doesn't know anyone).





I hate the face to face calls and requests:) Best thing that happened to me here was meeting, Nan, a pet sitter who is able to carry on a conversation for everyone!!! She is the best, and has referred more clients to me despite my shy ways.





I am thinking of having some sort of pet professional party in the area, as we all benefit from increased referrals and such.

Other Blogs That Show What I do A Bit (not always that great at keeping everything updates, as you can see I have a lot of them):

Mannerly Mutts Dog Training Blog

My Dog Leon's Blog With Video

My Dog Jack's Blog Who is Being Trained to compete, and I have totally dropped the ball on updating his blog.

Moose is A Great Dane, whose owner hated him, but luckily remembered how fond I was of him and called a year later. I have rehomed him, and his name is now Harley and he lives on the beach with Roxie.

Zeek was causing fights among his pack, and now is a pretty happy camper as are his pack members LOL.

The Mind of My Husband

Oh, yes, it's that time boys and girls "musings of my man". You know, I need to capture these when they happen before I forget. And I only poke fun at him because he is a wonderful man. To make this up to him, and because of the fact that he thinks he is "blogging" while not actually blogging (LOL God help us all when he figures this out, he likes to "participate" with suggestions that I don't take now), I am gonna give you a little example of what he needs to deal with.

We are in the grocery store the other day, and are in the check out line. We are close to those magazines that I never by, I just read the headlines when I am way bored. Grocery shopping with the husband is such a trial on my patience. Besides my grandfather, I have never met a man that likes to meander through the grocery store like you are in the most fabulous clothes store made in the world (which distracts me to say, has anyone else realized Macy's does not have a mens section anymore? Or never did, see they merged with Filenes that used to have a good mens store, but I digress)

A little demo there of what might be called ADD. So on the cover of one of those mags, it says Tom and Katie to break up or divorce. No duh, did she finally come to her senses, I am thinking. Then I am thinking about the rumors of Tom's sexual preferences that went around after his first wife. Then I am thinking, man shouldn't there be a limit on how many failed marriages you can have in a so many years period of time. Then my thoughts become a loud booming voice when I say (loudly) to my husband "do you think Katie finally realized that Tom is a homosexual"? "Um, yeah plastic please, and ignore the wife, would ya?" Daggers come in the sideways look that says "uh, yeah, you have expressed your non-pc thoughts out loud again. "

Seriously though, I think I have said before hot male celebrities should NEVER make the mistake of speaking in public. EVER, it ruins all our sexual fantasies. And if you get married and divorced like a gazillion times or cheat on your wife or go all psycho scientology, it is like a negative 90% hit to your hotness. So all male hot celebrities that are reading this blog, take note. See, except for that one "incident", my hottie, Rob Lowe, has done it right. Okay, it's from the eighties get off me. I am stuck in my eighties college days. At least in the female to male equation, I am not sure whether male to male is the same. For instance male to female, guys could care less what Jolie says, quite frankly. She is just hot. She could do a million stupid things, and she would still be hot.....sigh.

Oh yes, now to humiliate the husband. Hmmmm, should have waited for something much better before letting loose my idiocy above. Here is a musing "I buy things when they are on sale". Okay to realize why this makes me roll my eyes. It's not that he buys things we NEED or WANT or have been LOOKING FOR when they are on sale. So prime example, candy. If it's on sale, it's coming home. It doesn't matter who is on a diet or wether it's on my "food I can not be trusted or expected not to eat if it's in the same building with me". Luckily the item that brought the comment up was brownie mix, which SOMEONE has to bake. Let me tell you folks, there was a request that I NEVER COOK at the beginning of our dating (and I think it was included in the wedding vows) which I heartily continue. So we all know that I won't be tempted to actually the bake the brownies. Those giradelli brownies for the mix are so good, and just the newest thing that was purchased solely because it was "on sale". As an previous accountant I go by the "time value of money" concept and only buy it on sale if 1) I happen to need it and 2) it's on sale. Otherwise I divvy up the 25 cents extra only when I need it.

Dork Moment Number 1

Join the fun at Dorkbloggers!!

Our landlord had sold the apartment we lived in, and decided not to tell us until we only had a week to move. Instead of making a stink, we did oblige as good tenants.

One of the last days, we were cleaning up. I went to clean the stove (note I am NOT a domestic Godess of any sort as I am about to prove). Parently, I turned on the burner. My husband had about 50 ties on the top of the stove ready to be brought to the car.

Yup, fire alarm went off shortly there after as they burst into flames. Didn't go up all the way, but were burnt into at least two pieces. This was 10 years ago, and my husband STILL brings it up on occaision.

Thursday Thirteen (13) Favorite Places That Have Been Lost or Changed

This is what I meant to post last week by the way, but didn't read my own full title!! Tried to post what lingering proof of their existence still exists on the web. I can't believe there is no record or stories of the El Morocco out there:(

1. El Morocco in Worcester Mass---Gone and no trace of pictures or history to be found on the web. Was around wayyyyyy before I was born, and in the day when it was basically in a large tenament cellar (the best----they ruined it when they built a large restaurant on a hill) well known movie stars would go there, and their pictures were plastered all over the wall!!!


2. Spags in Worcester Mass----Now owned by Building 19, and not the same.


3. Picnic on The Park in Worcester Mass----Wasn't there long, but when it was it was right around the corner from us for about the year. The absolute best and ice cold tuna sandwiches and home made ice cream.


4. The Tea Merchant on Newbury Street in Boston Mass. This was the first place I was able to find loose leaf tea of the quality that I desired. I believe the new competion (like Tealuxe-----which is not as good but has good marketing and a kitchen to eat and drink in unlike the Merchant) drove them out.


5. The Teddy Bear store in Fanual Hall in Boston Mass (also used to be an amazing music box store, and doll store). This was the best store ever. They used to have this "bear house" in the window that looked like it was carved out of a log.


6. Boston Brownies in Fanual Hall food court in Boston Mass I believe the link provided is what happened to Boston Brownies. They went bigger, I think, yet shelved the high rent at Fanual Hall. These brownies are unbelievable and I used to have almost instant access when I travelled to Boston. Alas, no more.


7. Paul Revere Insurance as place of employment in Worcester Mass. When I worked there, they had a whole special room built to show off the Paul Revere silver that they had collected. Apparently when Unum and Provident bought them out, their Paul Revere silver collection was donated to the Worcester Art Museum.


8. Webster Square Theatre in Worcester Mass. Also a place I worked, and it was closed down a long time ago.


9. Old Showcase Theatre in Worcester Mass (although I hear they are reviving it)


10. The Worcester Galleria This is basically a dead bohemeth in the middle of Worcester Center right now. God knows what is going to happen to it. One day it's going to be ripped down, the next day it's going to be made into something.


11. Charles Kay Dress Shop in downtown Worcester. Loved this store, though the snotty dress clerk, when asked to show me a bridal dress after coming in from a rain storm, would only tell me "that dress is too expensive for you." Granted I did look like a drowned rat, but what an idiot.


12. The Tatnuck Bookseller on Chandler St in Worcester Mass. This was around the corner from my old house. Ironically it was closed down right after we moved to Maine. It was one of the things I was going to miss about Worcester, and then "poof" without warning it was gone. Also Ironically, we had the best vet there, and she moved to Kentucky. I take it as a sign that we made the right move.
    
13. Friday's on in Boston (before it became the awful chain it is today). Don't bother to go there now, as they have truly horrid food these days.

This is What Happens When There Is No Seperation of Church and State

The British Actress, Elizabeth Hurley, may go to jail for three years for not having an appropriate Indian ceremony in India.

And I think I have problems with my family. Her father in law is offering to help the courts put the couple away. This is the groom's father who has apparently also cut off his son for not involving him much in the customary way, and then asking him to leave (the father from the groom at the request of the bride).

I guess what happened in a magazine paid for an exclusive of this wedding, so it wasn't even done as a "real" type of thing. And still it went oh so wrong apparantly.

What Is Up With Customer Service?

----First off, I have just used one of my husband's "friends" to do our taxes. He wouldn't say how much he charged other than it was a flat fee for form. Husband assured me that it would be fair. Bill comes in, and it kind of takes me by surprise. Then as I am checking to be sure my records match our "new accountants'", um, I find some inconsitencies. Things labelled wrong, things forgotten, et et. There was another way my husband's income could have been handled and it's not that unusual. I am very nice, and put together a list of questions and things to look for next year, and I get this curt response "don't know how it happened, I don't have time to look into it now". Oh, and the best thing, even though for like 20 years I have been listed as taxpayer, and my husband as spouse, this guy takes it upon himself to switch. Now first of all, this screws up credit checks et. Then he says something like "taxpayer is gender based". Um, no it isn't or instructions to the tax, the tax line, and accounting firms that I worked at before would know this. What an *ss. We are not using him next year, or any other accountant now that the work is done. The accountants I should have use, have worked for, and have a rep for excellence and customer service are at http://www.kbkf.com. Their website may not look slick, but let me tell you in working in the field for 15 years of my life, I don't think there are any better than those guys. I really don't.

Monday MeMe---Five Things You Wouldn't Know About Me Otherwise

1. I like to read the occaisional dirty romance novel. Lisa Kleypas remains my favorite author in this category.


2. I am a reformed packrat/collector. I had a problem:)


3. I am very shy and socially inept when meeting strangers for the first time.


4. While I doubt I would see eye to eye on Marilyn Manson's ideals, I LOOOOOVVVVEEEE his music, much to my husband's horror. I am a repressed headbanger, I fear. Love his redition of one of my favorite eighties songs, Tainted Love.


5. I took acid once in college, and did not enjoy it.

Random Thoughts Today

---Recently I was reviewing my husband's health insurance. I noticed that adoption was covered, fertilization procedures were covered, et. Birth control pills---not covered, vasectomy (we used to have an insurance that covered this I KNOW, we used it) not covered, female procedure to do this also not covered. What is up with that? Am I paranoid to think that's the Christian Right Wing influence? By the way the procedures or adoption process to get a baby, WAAYYYY more expensive than preventing ones self from having a baby. Things like this scare me, and I get glad I don't have children who might be affected by this later on. The world is a strange and scary place. Or I am just way too much of a feminist. Dunno.

----In a convo with the cous, I realized all of a sudden that while I have felt like the black sheep in the family, I am actually one of the few cousins with a college degree, and who has done as well as could be done on my own. I mean, honestly, we have done pretty good even though we have worries now and again. I mean, we are not independently wealthy by any means. Any means at all, but more comfortable than most. How did my parents convince me that I was such a worthless black sheep of a person? The light suddenly went on, why do I beat myself up for putting myself through college a couple of years late? I mean, I did it. On my own, well, mostly with help from my now husband then boyfriend of fiance. Certainly not with the help of my family, that is fo sho.

(These are things that flit through my mind, that I think I am going to remember to blog about later in depth, but somehow never make it from my short term memory to the blog page. There is a short in there somewhere.)

----Had the cousin over recently who is in charge of the upcoming anniversary celebration. Happy to report that everyone seems to want me there, and not want me to worry about anything. They have the seating under control. Well at least I hope so, I am not sure the cousin in charge of the seating actually KNOWS about the rift. So hopefully the other cousin isn't like me, and forgets to fill them in. Can you see the seating chart now? Sperm Donor, BA Monster, Me----Yeeks. Whatever, we are adults even if they are infants, and cowardly to boot. Got a newsflash that this is not the only family drama going on these days. More on that at a later date. And not that there is any real drama going on with my situation. I haven't seen my dad since before October 2005, and I think I last e-mailed him March 2006. I have no wish or need to see him, though I am sure I will do just fine at ignoring him should he be in the same place as me. I just have nothing to say to him anymore. The Valentine's poems really helped shelf a lot of that anger. Why? Who knows. Anyone here have an explanation on why that works so well?

------Upcoming presidents for 2008. Please please tell me that there is no way that Mitt Romney can win. Barfola, and I used to live in Mass. Mass has been royally screwed by every governor starting with at least Ducakis (sp?). Weld was good, but he deserted Mass second term, LIKE HE PROMISED HE WOULD NOT DO. Burn in hell, Weld buddy. There was Swifty, who made sure there will be no other woman Governor in Mass anytime in the foreseeable future. I looked up Obama, and kept typing in Osama LOL. His middle name really doesn't help either. I think someone is pulling a punk on us. He seems okay, but I am still not sure what his deal is. Hillary is a maybe but crooked. But hey, who the heck isn't? Running or otherwise? You want a non-crooked president. I guess we would have to re-elect Jimmy Carter, but I am not sure about that.

------Most drug tests in corporate America are illegal search and seizure. Listen, I do not take drugs. I have probably had five or more drug tests AND physicals in order to be hired for a job. You COULD refuse to take a test, and the employer 95% of the time is not going to respect your right, but instead not hire you under an assumption. There are jobs out there where a drug test might be appropriate. Largely, I think no. I am glad to be self employed now, as I do not require a drug test of myself. Now, I am watching my husband needing to submit to them monthly for his job. First of all, this is another hour out of a day for which he is not compensated (he is 100% commission). Second of all, you now need to worry about eating poppy seed bages (which are legal) or what kinds of aspirin substitutes that you may take that work for you. He just got over pneumonia and couldn't take some cold syrups with codeine in it. He's a friggin salesperson for God's sake. Or manager. Jeez louis. Do we really think we live in a Democratic society and that our constitution isn't broken everyday? Any way, it's been annoying me lately. The thing is, how do you ask anyone to stand up to it? I wasn't wanting to when my livelyhood was dependent on it. And the fact that they had me do a physical with some strange doctor, and I just did it. That's sort of frightening. I do not like it.

My Grandmother on the "Other Side"

By the "Other Side" I don't mean the hereafter. She is alive in a state mental hospital for the rest of her years. In the last few years she moved there, though one might argue it was a long time in coming. I haven't written much about her, as I wasn't that close to her. My mom had an on and off relationship with her. When I was young, they didn't talk for a few years. I remember ducking down in the car if we should happen to be on the same road.

She was an alcoholic. She smoked cigarettes and fell asleep more than once with one in her hand, almost lighting her apartment on fire. She tried to kill herself (um not to successfully) more than once, and always was sure to get us on the phone or leave a message before she attempted. She gave me her cat once, then came over to try and take sniffy back. She was your average loving grandmother......NOT!!!

She had been married to my grandfather for a little while. From what I understand it was a violent relationship with abuse happening from both sides, often after drinking. My grandfather was little more than an alcoholic gambling shell when I "knew" him. He would do the same suicide calls to the house. He died when I was in my twenties. I hadn't talked to him for years, and for some reason I still cried when my husband broke the news to me. I attended his funeral, and I remember mostly my mother getting up and basically saying what an @ss he was in life. While I didn't disagree with her, I thought, jeez this guy couldn't have even one day of someone just trying to think kindly about him.

I cleaned out the apartment for my mother (disgusting----don't even get me started on the mattress with the band aids over holes). He had a nice sleigh bed set, which I sold cheap as I couldn't get over the film of cigar smoke staining the walls and everything yellow, plus other stains that I couldn't get out of my mind. I did "inherit" his ford fairlane which was equally coated with yellow filth that we never got out even after trying to clean it several times.

So these were my other grandparents. I don't have much else to say about my grandmother, other than in adult hood, I did attempt to keep a relationship open. I felt sorry for her. Plus my "good" grandmother had guilted me long ago when I was a little girl. I remember saying joyfully to the "good" grandmother that I loved her so much more than my other one. She yelled at me for that. Unfortunately, she never fully understood what was going on with "the others". That guilt trip survived well into my adulthood however, and I felt it was my duty to visit the "other grandmother". She had stopped with the "suicide" calls since I had left home (or as far as I knew). She seemed lonely. I never got close to her or actually liked her, but it was tolerable and I felt it was the least I could do.

I kept up the relationship even after the estrangement from my mother. That is, until one day, a letter came in the mail from this "other grandmother". It basically said my mother was going to commit suicide because of me. This "coincidentally" was followed closely by one of the few letters from my mother. Anyway, that was about enough from the both of them, and for my mental health. Even if you aren't' close to someone, the immense responsibility that they are trying to foist on you for their "life and death", no matter what they do to you or mistreat you.....well most normal people would know not to do that.

Even people with mental illness know not to do that. There is a large difference between a friend saying something like "sometimes I feel suicidal". I share bipolar (though have never felt suicidal but know the bad downward spirals) with family and friends. And not one person who cares for me, even being in a bad state has said "you are going to cause me to commit suicide". Maybe it is because of their mental illness, but if it is, it is something that I am just not emotionally equipped to deal with, especially in the life sentence sort of way. It would be different if either one ever said something like "I know what I did was wrong or inappropriate" but that has never happened either. Even then, I don't know that I could deal with it happening over and over again. It's a bit much, honestly. Plus I got my very own mental illness demon to deal with. These sort of things don't exactly improve my own outlook or mental health.

Again it's different if someone is expressing a feeling that is not attached to another person not acting in a way that you want them too. So if any of my friends , who suffer from the same thing I do, and have expressed these sentiments to me "I feel or have felt suicidal" don't worry. I care about my friends, and am happy they would feel so comfortable with me to tell me something so personal and frightening. Plus it opens up to talking about how to go about seeking help et. It's a hard thing to talk about, this mental illness. In one way, I am uniquely able to deal with it, as for most of my life, I knew something was coming down the pike. And am I relieved that what I have to deal with is it . Also that Celexa works so well for me (knock on wood).

When you are estranged from your family, and you are as open as I am about it, it is also a tool they will use to explain the estrangement. And that is fine with me, people who know me, family and friends know how I am. People who haven't gotten to know me, well they are going to think what they are going to think anyway. And those are family members. I don't seek or need to control that. It is what it is. If anything, my mental illness caused me not to make waves for so long, and not stand up for myself. It allowed me to become damaged by constant abuse for the fear of loosing these people. And now it's like, what was I afraid of? They were only holding me back.

By the way, on that side of the family, abuse alchoholism and who knows what else, can be traced back at least to my great grandparents. I heard a story of my great grandmother breaking her cane over one of her kids or grandkids backs. Nice. Interestingly enough, I have renewed some correspondence with one of my cousins on that side, and have e-mailed one of my Swedish relatives that put together a book of our family's history. Apparently the illness even is father back, but one of the relatives was a talented musician (explains a bit about my musical talent) and also founded a library in the area. They do say creativity and mental illness often go together!!

When Fridays are Not Fun

First of all, let me apologize for my Thursday Thirteen yesterday. It WAS entitled "favorite places that have been changed or are lost". I had written that months ago, so when I finally got to it, I saw favorite places and happily started listing out my favorite current places. I may have caused some concern with this !! Yes, the musical fountain is still at Epcot LOL.

I have since retitled it "Favorite Places" and will submit the other list at a later date.

Yesterday Mass Unemployment called the husband. He just got the last of his two employment checks last week. He gets nervous on these calls, and does not take my advice to just "cut the line" and come get me for these. So he doesn't, and then he doesn't think and jokes around during the questioning. You have to be really careful on answering the questions and think why they are asking you.

The husband's situation is complicated, first of all, because he was working in Mass and living in Maine. The point of layoff came during the transition period, and so his unemployment was paid in Mass. This is nice because Mass's top rate is 551 a week, while Maine's top rate is 331 a week.

So then, if you are responsible and get another job, say in Maine, and then that job closes it's doors and lays off the people in a conference call, it gets all that much more complicated. Plus his first job (the one he is collecting on) was salaried, and his next job was technically commission although he got up front money for it. Any way, all these questions were asked before, the checks cut, and then came the call.

Rob forgot that while he was commissioned, he received the salaried money. So all day yesterday, he's worried about being accused of fraud by Mass Unemployment.

He just gave them another call after talking to me, and that is no longer a worry. Course now he will have to fill out a form, and attend a hearing in Mass no doubt. I think it will all be fine. What a pain though huh? You pay your taxes, you are responsible, you try to actually get a job instead of sponging off the system, and somehow you still get screwed? To have to worry about what kind of job you are taking to worry about collecting benefits that have been paid for your protection in these circumstances. Uck.

Thursday Thirteen (13) Thirteen Favorite Places

1. Musical fountain at Disney World. I cry every time I see it.


2. Coast Guard Beach in the Cape. Really lovely high sand cliffs, and miles and miles of beach.


3. Long Sands Beach right here in York Maine (off season of course).


4. Boynton Park in Worcester Mass. Small water fall at the end, and there is an old Indian meeting place along the way.


5. Cliff walks along the mansions in Newport Rhode Island.


6. The cliff walks right here in York Maine along the Mansions (not as impressive as Newport mansions, but they will do LOL)


7. Greenleaves take out Chinese Restaurant right here in York Maine.


8. Bintliff's restaurant in Ogunquit Maine.


9. Anthony's Italian restaurant in Worcester Mass.


10. Mount Mansfield in Stowe Vermont (for that matter all of Stowe Vermont).


11. Crown Bakery in Worcester Mass right around Easter for their butter cream bunnies.


12. From my childhood, an old torado cellar in the field behind my childhood house. I used to go their to write poetry, and it was also a fort/hangout with my friends.


13. New York City, in particular the Carenegy Diner. Do you know they will deliver liver patte sandwiche to your hotel door?

Wicked Wednesday

My Valentine's Day poem fest released an amazing amount of anger for me. Especially at the sperm donor and egg donor. I am beginning to think I have only tapped a bit of the surface of my anger at the monster. No matter how much I try to convince myself that it's probably my dad I am angry at, it is still her that most of my anger is directed. Perhaps because I on some level buy the fact that he is soooo stupid and clueless that the things he has done have indeed not been deliberate. I say that knowing he deliberate does things so his life is easy, and could give a fig about what that does to anyone else.

What the BA monster has done is deliberate and intentional, and meant to be so. Plus, I had no other link to her in the past that would cause her to go after me the way she did. It was just plain meaness on her part. There is also no way to call her out on it. No matter how wrong she is or was, she just doesn't care. If no one else sees her way, suddenly she might have cancer, or her asthma has been acting up, or she was thinking about her son dead for 15 years now (not that I am belittling that, Josh was a good kid. He was the only one who used to come talk to me after she would be horrible to me). So there is now way to imagine that some day you are going to reason with her.

Except maybe one way........in a Stephen King fiction novel kind of sense.....

I was so scared when I was nineteen. Scared my family was being taken away by the monster. (not realizing that I should have kissed her on both cheeks and taken off RUNNNNNNIIIINNNNNGGG immediately) But being alone with no real support, and thinking (in error I admit) that I would someday be able to count on my father for some show of support on something. Some comfort or understanding. Or, dare I say it, love? I do think I blamed her at first for his lack of .....humanity. Even though even in my childhood, there was no evidence of this humanity. Except maybe that time that he bought me Duran Duran tickets on my sixteenth birthday pre-the monster introduction. That meant he actually DID pay attention and know SOMEThING about me (to this day, I still love their music LOL) . I think at that time he was visiting a therapist that was telling him to do nice things for his daughter. I remember a thank you card after raking the leaves one day, and him proudly telling my mother that he did as the therapist said. Sigh, there is no one in that shell. I am sure he cries as he tells people his daughter won't talk to him. How he loves her. "Blah blah bladity blah blah". It's only as a possession, and a possession that was supposed to care for him when he got old and feeble.

Any way, I am delaying the telling of my dark thoughts. So here it goes, I sometimes fall asleep thinking of the BA Monster strapped to a chair with duct tape, as someone (perhaps me) tapes up her mouth and one nostril (see she has asthma) and waits expectantly for the terror to kick in. Oh, and there might be a pillow case rubbed all over a bunch of cats involved to speed along the process.

Yikes, huh? Not anything I would do for those who have not been following along. However, this is how my imagination has shelved a large amount of anger on an ongoing basis, especially right after the Beyatch wouldn't take no about my property sale, and her not being the agent of our choice. Truth be told, that estrangement from my father, was a loooonnnnnnnngggg time in coming. And when he got old and asked me to take care of him, it was pretty much going to happen at least then. Save your money, old man. Save well. And if you have it, great, perhaps stop buying the monster 60,000 cars every three years. Cause, here it is, you are going to need the money to pay strangers to take care of you. Oh, and even if the monster is physically fit, I think we all know it's not going to be her, unless you have some money of your own that you haven't blown on her to donate? Cause that's the only way she will degrade herself for you. She wouldn't even do it for her own father. And she did it for your mother, because she was going to get the house, and apparently part of her money that allowed her the new Lexus. So sad that instead of my grandmother's money going to a place where she could have been more comfortable, her family instead had her sign over her house years ago, so you could all buy corvettes and Lexuses. So much more important than an old lady's comfort. Such concern you showed for her as you divided up her assets in front of her while she was still alive and at the last Easter function at her house. How classy!!! How caring of your mother who didn't buy expensive material things so she cold stretch the buck as much as possible for her family. Then you complained that she gave the maid some pieces of gold. A maid that you hired for her by the way. Guess you didn't get to have the full packages on your new cars that you might like. No satellite radio for you, huh? It was particularly amusing to watch you all paw through the jewelry for the "gold necklace" that was worth at least $500.00. At my youngest without any money and not being able to afford the groceries I wanted, I was not so rabid.

But here is the funny part. You and the monster are so alike about money and material possessions, that I wouldn't sleep with my eyes closed on each other. I suspect at least one of you wouldn't mind being single right now to find her (oops) new sucker (oops man). So I get mad at being cut off from this family, why??????????????/

Okay, rant and another dark secret sacrificed to the Gods:)

50th Anniversary!!

Yesterday was a busy day of appointments and finalizing the taxes for 2006 with our "accountant" aka the husband's high school friend. It was hard for me to let go, having previously done this for a living myself, but it felt so right in the end. 2007 should not be a problem.

So I had walked the Great Dane pups, gone to the bank, and was going into the post office. Here in "rural country" our house is too rural to have mail delivered to it. There are actually some benefits to this, if you are as private a person as I am. As is my habit, I thumb through the mail to provide a bit more excitement to my day, and lo and behold there is an envelope with the return address from a cousing that lives in FL. Odd, it's not really around a holiday that we would exchange cards. Gram used to have Easter at her house. Then BA the monster hijjacked it, and it became "Passover only" cause of her religion. Not that I mind celebrating another holiday, but it's like she went out of her way to erase any mention or specialness about the Easter we used to celebrate. And this to me wasn't a religious celebration but a family celebration. Oh, well, the family has gone to hell any way.

So I open it up, to find an invitation to my Aunt and Uncle's surprise anniversary party!! I am not sure if I should mention to my cousins that I will be just as welcome at this party, as I was when I got the disinvite about 20 years ago to my other cousins wedding to the the Beaytch BA the monster situation. They happen to be good friends with both the sperm donor and the monster. Oh well, I would like to be there at a family celebration to wish my Aunt and Uncle congrats. If this could be pulled off without the viper attacking me, that would be swell. Judging from her behavior at the husband's mom's funeral however, I wonder how realistic it would be to expect this would happen. She seems to have very little control of herself, and someone whose face grows red with rage as she stomps past, does not seem to be under a whole lot of impulse control. Also someone who woke me from a sound sleep at the age of nineteen to slap me across the face, AND STILL TO THIS DAY MAKES NO APOLOGIES FOR IT. Even when she found out, dad had told me to go to sleep and he was going to do the dishes. This is what she slapped me out of sleep for. She got one of the few right hooks I have ever thrown for her troubles though. And if anything gives me less reason to worry, she knows that I won't stand there and be physically assualted, but I still do wonder about her overall state of mind as she has been slipping out in public these days.



You know after she told me after 18 years that I had destroyed her marriage, I got a bit bitter. All that time I was sucking up to her, asking how I could help her, getting her gifts, being sure to have conversation with her first when I was calling my dad, ignoring her slights and snide remarks, giving her the benefit of the doubt, and then this viper has the nerve to say that, because I refused her one thing. I would not allow her to represent me in selling my house.

So I got ....well...enraged. I have done some things that might have irked her since. One such thing is not letting her bad behavior go uncommented to her and my father, even if I needed to telegram it to her, I will get my message through loud and clear. STAY THE F AWAY FROM ME. Case in point, I had several lovely discussions with her manager, that she is not to be let into my house as a broker representative of their company. I let him know she had been physically abusive to me, and therefore could not be trusted in my house AND THAT THEIR COMPANY WOULD BE LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGE SHOULD THIS OCCUR. I told them, I don't care who else in your company goes in, but that weasel is not allowed in my house. See the thing is, she is sleazy like that, simply asking her would not do. Especially where money and real estate is involved, and because she can't make a sale to save her life unless a relative or friend is selling their house. Quite clearly, she will go after you to make it happen, and she so innapropriately mangled relations with Robert's family when he lent out (HUGE ERROR) her name in the beginning as someone who could help them. Any way, I was sure that her employer knew what an utter failure she was as a human being as far as I was concerned. Think I saved those conversations and e-mails somewhere . I don't feel bad about it, it makes me smile. Okay, it makes me grin.

Then there was the inappropriate stomping past me at the funeral, where I being a human being thanked her for coming. What I wanted to do was grab her by her curly blond hair, take her stupid fur coat that made her look pooofier, wrap her in it, and use her as a soccer ball. Sometimes I bemoan my ability to control myself into a civilized facade. Right before she came up, one of the guests was saying something about "people will get what they deserve" and I am not really sure how that came up. But I saw BA look over as this woman said this phrase about whatever she was talking about, and I made sure to lock eyes with Betty Ann, smile at her, and turn back to the guest and say "oh, yes I hope everyone gets what they truly deserve". Then there was the e-mail and letter to both of them later (that can be found on this blog) telling them not to go places where they are not invited and wanted, especially if they can not behave. My mother-in-law was the one that took me in after BA slapped me, and I reminded BA of this in case she forgot. So no one in Rob's family was fooled or wanted her there. But everyone was polite and humane about it. I mean this was another thing that was NOT ABOUT HER. We were honoring someone else who blows her away in all ways.

Now there has been the porno, spam, and market america referrals LOL. See the thing is, I had been so agreeable for 18 years, that I want to be sure she knows what it is like when I am being disagreeable. Another way I have done it, is let everyone in the family know what she did. I am not sure she knows that everyone knows, but they do. And they are watching. She's was good in the past, I must admit. It was hard to detect the crack in her facade except for a couple of ocaisions early on. Much easier to spot these days. A face turning scarlet, for instance, is hard to hide as is talking to other family members through clenched teeth (and that's when I haven't been at family gatherings LOL)

Oh, and how could I forget? http://www.[hernamehere]isabitch.com (sorry not there anymore). That was the day after I cut them off, and was lacking a bit in impulse control. I actually did kind of feel bad about that. Sort of passive aggressive, and not so public a humiliation as she deserves.

This party will undoubtly call for some dysfunctional family drinking games. I'll try to come up with some creative ones. Or steal them.